#i mean. yeah. we been already knew but it’s nice to have an official diagnosis re: mental health

[threnodians]

super cute life update: i’ve officially been diagnosed with ptsd from a psychiatrist 😊✌🏻

[miraculous-trinity-leo]

Whacky Gotham, Goofy New York, and Chaotic Paris.

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7)

Chapter 5: Then Let The Games Begin

•—–—–·†·–—–—•

Soooo, the Batfam is panicking, Gotham's confused as to why Iron Man is flying over Gotham like a madman, and Maria is with two of Gotham's Sirens (but only Ivy and Harley know this) having a wonderful time playing with Bud and Lou.

Let's start with the Sirens.

Harley is watching over Maria and Tikki as they sleep with Bud and Lou, Ivy walkes over to sit next to Harley, handing her a cup of tea.

"So, what's the diagnosis?" - Ivy

"She has some sort of trauma, has class issues... and handles more than she should, but still does everythin', on top of bein' a hero. She's been through some sh-t Pam." Yeah Harley may have found out Maria's a hero (if the tiny god and magic were anything to go by).

"Is she alone?" - Ivy

"No, thankfully, she has supportive parents, and friends that aren't little sh-ts. I think they're also heroes, she also has a lot, and I a mean A LOT of pent up emotions, she doesn't show anythin' negative, only positive things. She seems to shrink in on herself if she thinks she does somethin' wrong. Pam, we both know there's a limit to how much crap a person can take before they snap, and she's such a sweet kid. There has to be somethin' we can do to help her Ives." Ok she found out alot, but in Marias' defense, they have trustworthy souls, and they were the only other people (besides her friends) that she talked to about it, yes she had her Maman and Uncle to talk about hero stuff, but for the stuff her class does, she only ever vented (without being negative) to her friends.

"Her class is visiting the Botanical Gardens in three days, and it's a 2 part tour, so we can see just what's going on. If it's bad then we scare them a bit, if it's bad bad... they can handle a few slightly poisonous plants right?" - Ivy

"God I love the way ya think Ives, do ya think she can stay with us? I mean look at how cute she is with Bud and Lou... Oh my god, she's cuddlin' dem, and ya gave her a flower crown, how'd I miss that?! Where's the camera?"

Harley took a picture to remind her of this wonderful moment. As Ivy and Harley looked at the picture, they both promised to keep Maria safe, and maybe become sorta kinda-ish parents to her while she's in Gotham.

•—–·Now back to the Bat-Chaos Bat-Cave·–—•

Tim took over the chair and was now searching the possible locations with Jarvis, Damian was sitting on a different chair, trying to act cool, but he wouldn't stop looking over at Tim, to see his progress. Bruce was talking over the comms with Tony. Dick and Jason, weren't helping (they kept feeding each other worse and worse ideas of what could have happened to Maria). Then they heard Jarvis speak.

"I have found the most likely area Ms. Dupain-Cheng would be in. Her phone died about 56 blocks away from her hotel, if we don't count kidnapping, or murder, she would have thought about asking for directions, but may have decided not to considering the city she is in. So that leaves us with a possible 15-25 mile radius from her last known location. I think it best to divide into groups of two, have Oracle stay and update you if anything on security, and or traffic cameras happens. Bruce will be with Tony, Dick will go with Tim, and Jason will go with Damain to search within the area. Stephanie and Cassandra will search around a 5 mile radius near Wayne hotel." as Jarvis continued to explain the other details, the Batfam began to suit up, Batman met up with Iron Man, and they took the North area, Nightwing and Red Robin took the East area, while Red Hood and Robin searched the South. Steph and Cass were on foot in civilian clothes, searching the West area they were assigned.

They searched for the whole day, and came up with nothing. Until Oracle saw a video from a traffic cam around 9pm, 15 blocks away from where her phone died. She called it in and everyone went back to the cave. Once everyone was at the Bat-Computer, Oracle pressed play, the cameras didn't have sound, and it wasn't close enough to see if she was ok.

They watched as she went to an overgrown parking lot and sat down. She was looking down at the ground, and that's when they spotted two figures round the corner and spot her. They watched as the two figures approach Maria, and saw the startled reaction she had. They realized it was Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy that were talking to her, then they saw Maria collapse. They watched as Harley made sure she was ok, looking over to Ivy before looking back to Maria and picking her up. The last thing they saw, was Maria being carried away by two of Gothams' most dangerous rouges, but now they knew where to look next.

•—–· Back to Ivy and Harley ·–—•

Harley continued to take adorable pictures of the children.

"God, they're so f-ckin' cute!" - Harley for the 20th time

As Ivy continued to watch while caring for her plants, Catwoman walked in.

"Hey girls, got the stuff for movie night, so what are we- Holy mother of cats! He adopted another f-cking child didn't he! Where the hell does he keep finding them?! 7 was ment to be the god DAMN LIMIT!!!" - Catwoman

Maria jumped at the sudden shouting and may have accidentally summoned a yo-yo (one made useing creation magic and protection magic) before saying.

"Tikki where's the akuma?! How long was I out?! Forget it Tikki spot-" she then realized she wasn't in Paris, and seeing a new face, she also realized she just spilled her secret to another person within the same day... kinda

"Fffffffffffudge sunday that fell on the pavement!" - Maria shouted in baker profanities

"That's not how ya curse sweetheart. It should go more like-" Harley was cut off by a vine Ivy had summoned.

"Harley, cursing makes the plants sad, you know this." - Ivy said removing the vine

Harley just walked over to Maria and whipsered it in her ear.

"You're supposed to say it more like this, ' ..... .... ... .. ....... .. ... .....' ok?" - Harley ended with a big smile

"... I will never see this world in the same frickin' light ever again." - Maria

"ehh close enough." - Harley

"Can someone please tell me, WTH is going on here, on our special girls day off?!" - Catwoman

"She is a new member of the Sirens as of today, and as a member, she's unda our protection, so effective immediately." - Harley

"Cool." - Maria

"Harley." - Ivy

"Wut... first things first, if she is going to join, she needs to be very flexible, know how to fight, and be incredibly intelligent." - Catwoman

"She beat Ed's @ss with a gun pointed at her, and solved every riddle with ease, so I'm positive she'll be an amazin' addition to the team." - Harley

'God she sounds like a new mother now' "But we don't know how good her flexibility is." - Catwoman

"I know, hey Maria, ya wanna do some tricks with me, of course we need to stretch first, but do ya wanna give it a go?" - Harley

"Sure." - Maria

Ivy and Catwoman sat down on a couch a few feet away from where Maria and Harley stood in the empty part of the building. They started out with stretches, and to Catwoman's surprise (and Harley's delight) Maria copied Harleys streches perfectly.

"Ok, now that that's done, we'll start with some cartwheels, then move on to flips, then handsprings and so on." - Harley

Maria gave Harley a nod... and they were off... literally, Harley did a cartwheel into a handspring, and a few backflips, Maria executed it flawlessly. Harley did some more complicated gymnastics tricks, and Maria did it, Harley did triple backflips going into a cartwheel, into a summersault, and Maria did that perfectly as well. This went on until both Harley and Maria were slightly out of breath, both having massive smiles on their faces.

"Ives, please let her join, she's like a mini me." - Harley then hugged Maria and they somehow both tripled in cuteness as they both did puppy (or Puss In Boots style) eyes at Catwoman and Ivy.

"Sure Harley." - Ivy said walking over to give Harley a small kiss on the cheek.

"Okay... but she doesn't have a costume yet, and she still has to think of a name for herself." - Catwoman

"Is a mouse good, like a mouse themed costume, that or a Turtle themed one. What do you think Harley?" - Maria

"Mmmm, I like that with the mouse you can always toy with Cat, ya know, cat an' mouse stuff, turtle seems... weird even fawh Gotham, so personally I would pick mouse, just because of the cheesy jokes you could do." - Harley

"Very funny, ok then, give me a moment."  Maria then reached out her hand, her eyes then started to glow an icy blue, and a small portal opened in front of her, she reached in and pulled out a small pendant necklace. After she put it on a small mouce appeared and greated itself, Marias' eyes going back to normal after closing the portal.

"Hello I'm Mullo, nice to meet you all."

"Omg omg omg, It's soooo f-ckin' CUTE!" - Harley

"Best to assume all of them are extremely cute Harls." - Ivy

"What the Hell did I miss in the week I was gone?!" - Catwoman

"Ehh, not much, oh but Iron Man did fly aroun' Gotham a few times earlier this mornin' like a madman." - Harley

"Oh sh-t." - Maria

"Maria are ya ok? That was ya first official proper curse in my presence." Harley said looking over to the girl.

"He's gonna kill me." - Maria

"Wait, what do you mean Marigold?" - Ivy

"... He's my Uncle, and I never got to text him I was ok, since my phone died before I met you." - Maria

"Hey, I'm sure he'll understand, now what are we watchin'?" - Harley

"I think we have more important matters other than movies at the moment!" - Catwoman

"Ok, Me Myself and Irene it is." - Harley

"No! You basically kidnapped Iron Mans' NIECE!!!" - Catwoman

"Technically, she fainted and us bein' the good Gothamites we are, decided to take her with us, to make sure she was a-okay." - Harley

"I'm ganna need more than just a six pack of soda to get me through this... Just put the movie on already." - Catwoman

Catwoman sat at the far left end of the couch, next to her sat Ivy, then Maria, and then Harley, Bud and Lou by their feet. All of them sharing one big blanket (Becuase if Iron Man did show up, or any of the birds, then Maria was in a protective burrito and they may not see her right away) and they started the movie.

•—–·–—•

"Oh god, the poor cow." - Maria

.........

"Hahahaha, he stuck a whole f-ckin' chicken head in that guys @ss" - Harley

"The poor chicken." - Maria

"Maria you don't want to see this part." - Ivy then lightly covered her eyes for the ehem, chicken extraction.

.........

"Anyone up for another movie?" - Harley

"That depends." - Ivy

"Any suggestions Cat?" - Harley looked across to the other end of the couch to see Catwoman already sleeping.

"She took her cat-nap already? Seriously?" - Harley

"... What about Pirates of The Caribbean?" - Maria

"I'm good with that." - Ivy

And they started the next movie, Maria was happy, it felt like when her maman and papa would sleep with her when she made a pillow fort. It was a loving atmosphere, it felt safe, and nothing could ruin it. Marias' eyes became heavy, and she leaned her head on Harleys' shoulder, falling asleep after a few minutes.

Ivy paused the move looking over to see both Harley and Maria sleeping, soon Ivy also fell asleep in the comfortable silence.

…………………………

Around an hour later Maria woke up in a panic, she had a nightmare, and kept looking around frantically for someone with tears running down her face.

"What's the matter hun?" - Harley said looking around to see if someone had gotten in. When she looked back at Maria she saw that she was crying.

"What happened?" Harley asked in a kind voice that was filled with motherly love.

"I, just *hic* had a bad dream that's *hic* all, I'm fine." - Maira said trying to wipe the tears away.

"You're ok, I promise nothin's goin' to happen to ya as long as Ivy and I are here, ok hun?" - Harley hugged Maria, and she could feel the girl let out a few more sobs, and quick breathes.

"Thanks Maman." Maria didn't even realize what she had said, it just felt natural for her to say it.

"You're welcome hun." 'Omg I'm gonna cry, she called me maman!' Harley rubbed small circles over Marias' back, and began humming until she fell asleep, she continued to hug Maria until she also fell asleep.

•—–· Back to the Chaos Bat-Cave ·–—•

"What do you mean she's with two of Gotham City's Sirens?!" - Tony

"Tony, calm down, I'll call Selina, she can talk to them and get this all sorted out." - Bruce

"Your fiancee is a Gotham Siren too?! Why didn't you tell me?!" - Tony

"Why isn't she picking up? And unlike some people, this family doesn't like outing our secret identities... on live TV." - Bruce

"Oh well excuse me for not keeping my secret identity a SECRET!" - Tony

"I'll try calling her one more time." - Bruce

"Bruce, it's 3am. Who in their right mind ever stays up this late.... aside from this family." - Tim with a giant coffee mug in hand.

"... I'll just call her one more time." Bruce then connected it to the Bat-Computer so everyone could hear.

•—–· Back to the Sirens ·–—•

Catwoman's phone is ringing like crazy, waking everyone up, including a tired, annoyed, and confused Selina.

"Wth does he want at 3 in the morning?!" - Selina

"Just answer it so we can keep sleepin'." - Harley still hugging Maria

"I'm putting it on speaker, so you lot can testify against his @ss in court, for disturbing the peace."

•—–· Over to Batsy ·–—•

"Selina I need to ask-"

"WHAT THE F-CKING HELL DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT A GOOD NIGHTS REST!" - Selina

"Oooooh, she sounds pissed Bruce." - Jason

"I'm sorry to call you at this hour, but we need to find a girl that looks just like every single one of my other kids." - Bruce

"Bruce... I thought we agreed that 7 kids was. the. f-cking. limit." - Selina

•—–· Back to the Sirens ·–—•

Selina looked over to Maria before muting the speaker.

"Do you want them to know you're here Kitten?" - Selina

"... I'm tired, I haven't had coffee, I have no filter, so f-ck it, act like you never saw me today, and let them drown in chaos. " - Maria

"I think I like filter less Maria." - Harley

"Okay." Selina shrugged her shoulders and then un-muted her phone, putting it back on speaker mode.

"Where was she last seen?" - Selina

"She was last seen with Harley and Poison Ivy, I want you to see if she's still with them." - Bruce

Selina looked over to Maria and Harley, both of them shook their heads with mischievous grins.

"I've been with them all day, and I haven't once seen a girl that looks like your kids. Now can I go back to sleep, and forget this ever happened?" - Selina

"WHERE IS MY NIECE!!!" - Tony

"Oh, hey Tony, didn't know you were there, don't know who, or where your niece is, but good luck trying to find her. Oh and Bruce, I'm shutting my phone off so you don't keep calling till the butt crack of dawn. And congrats it's now 4am. you owe me a lunch date, uh-ba-bye." Selina then hung up her phone and turned it off.

"That went pretty well if you ask me, now I'm going back to sleep." - Selina

•—–· Back to Batsy ·–—•

The room was silent for a few minutes before Jason spoke up.

"Does that mean that Pixiepop ran away and is even more lost now?!" - Jason

"Oh god, what do we do, what if she got hurt?!" - Dick

"What if she got kidnapped?!" - Jason

"What if she's with a big time Gotham Villain?!" - Dick

"... What if she got more coffee?" - Tim

"Oh Hell No" - Jason/Dick

"... Lets all go to sleep, and when we wake up, we'll head over to their base and double check. She could've just said that because I called her at 3am." - Bruce

"But my niece is still out there!" - Tony

"You're going to sleep Tony." - Pepper then dragged Tony to his room.

•—–· Back to Maria ·–—•

Selina went to a different part of the building, where Maria assumed the bedrooms were. Ivy had gone to the greenhouse to be with the plants, and now it was just her and Harley left on the couch, and she couldn't sleep.

"... Harley?" - Maria

"Yeah hun?" - Harley

"I can't sleep." - Maria

"Well, watcha wanna do till ya get tired?" Harley asked sitting up a little straighter to get a better look at Maria.

Maria gave a sly smile, and looked Harley in the eyes "Want to go free-running on the rooftops?"

"... Alright, but lets get some coffee, and a snack in us first." - Harley gave her a side hug, before getting up to go make the coffee, and grab some snacks.

After they had their coffee, they climbed to the roof of the base. Harley was in her outfit, bat in hand and ready to do some bonding.

"So, how does ya outfit work?" - Harley

"Like so, ready Mullo?" - Maria

"Yes Maria" - Mullo

"Ok, Mullo, Get Squeaky!" A bright light flashes, and when Harley could see again, Maria was in a dark gray suit, wearing black knee high boots, with a strip of pink at the knee, and black elbow length gloves with the same pink strip at her elbow. Her mask was a slightly lighter gray on the top part, and pink on the bottom. Her hair was pulled into two buns with pink ribbons that faded to gray, and to black at the very tip. Her jump rope around her waist forming a tail going just below the back of her knees.

"Just when I think ya can't get any more adorable. So what should I call ya?" - Harley

"You can call me Multimouse." - Maria

Soon they were racing and doing tricks off different roofs, they were really enjoying themselves. From one of the roofs they heard a commotion in one of the alleys, when they looked down they saw a man holding a woman at gunpoint.

"Not good, seems like he's got issues, probably lost his lover, most likely has additions to drugs and alcohol, and seems to be a little tipsy." - Harley

"I've got a plan." - Multimouse

…………

Multimouse droped a little way behind the guy, grabbing his attention while Harley got the lady to safety.

"You know there's a help center two blocks from here that would be more than willing to help you." - Multimouse

The crook just raised his gun to her trying to keep it steady as he spoke.

"Give me all your money little girl, or else I'll hurt you."

"1. That's not how you hold a gun. 2. That is no way to treat any girl. and 3. Instead of money, I'll give you my jump rope." - Multimouse

"Why the hell would I want your jump rope, that thing looks worthless." the crook lowered his guard enough as Multimouse pretended to hand over her jump rope, only to use it in a quick motion to dismarm the man, as Harley promptly knocked him out with one swing.

"Lets neva have ya at gunpoint again, okay hun? I'm afraid my heart can't take it." - Harley said while tying the crook to a lamppost.

"Sorry, but it was the best idea I could come up with at the moment, besides, any guy with a gun would feel like they have the upper hand if they're facing a random little girl with a jump rope, rather than Gothams' Harley Quinn with a bat." - Multimouse

"Sadly I'm just too popular with the kiddos on the street." - Harley

…………

They continued to stop a few more muggers on the way back to the base, and when they got back they peaked around the corner to see the whole Batfam plus Iron Man talking with Ivy and Selina.

"How much you want to bet we can get back out before they see us?" - Whispering Multimouse

"... Lets try hidin' in the kitchen." - Whispering Harley

As they tried to sneak by (still in their costumes) Selina just walks over and draggs them to the group.

"Here, now let me sleep!" - Selina

"Dang it Selina we wanted tah see just how long we could hide out in the kitchen!" - Harley

Selina did a double take now realizing they both went out.

"... You didn't." - Selina

"We wanted tah go free-runnin'! So what?" - Harley

"She could've gotten hurt Harls." - Ivy

"My suits magic, I am invulnerable to bullets, normal magic, swords, knifes, anything staby staby, and I can withstand any temperature in it." Multimouse said with a slight pout.

"Hold up, is she a magical girl?" - Red Hood in the background

When Selina let go both Harley and Multimouse went behind Ivy for protection.

"We can still make a run for it." - Harley whispered to Multimouse

"... Ok, I'll meet you on the roof." - Whispering Multimouse

Harley gave a nod as she slowly inched her wasy closer to the door that lead to the roof, as she saw Iron Man approach Multimouse.

"Please get out of your suit, we need to talk about why you're here-" - Iron Man

"Multitute!" - Multimouse

Harley then saw Multimouse shrink into dozens of tiny little versions of herself as her clones spread out in all directions, one of which was heading right for her.

"Wth, you never told us she could use magic!" - Red Robin

Harley picked her up, and slipped through the door without anyone noticing.

"That was great, but how do ya get back tuh normal size?" - Harley

"Simple, I just merge back with my clones." As she said this, all her clones came back, and she merged with herself, becoming normal sized again.

"Where to?" - Multimouse

………… So now The Batfam is trying to find many long gone Mini-Multimouses, and Harley seems to have disappeared with her. Harley and Multimouse are now running over the roofs, heading for Wayne Manor.

"So why are we going to Wayne Manor?" - Multimouse

"Because, Batsy will neva think of lookin' for us at his own home, at least not fawh a little while." - Harley

When they arrived at the Manor, Multimouse de-transformed as Harley knocked on the door.

"Ms. Quinn, Ms. Maria, pleasure to see you here, please come in." - Alfred

"Are any of the bat-birds here?" - Harley

"Ms. Barbara, Ms. Stephanie, and Ms. Cassandra are the only ones here at the moment." - Alfred

"Do ya think you can keep us bein' here a secret from Batsy?" - Harley

"Harley? What are you doing here with Maria?" - Barbara

"It seems that Ms. Harley and Ms. Maria are now playing hide and seek with the rest of the family." - Alfred

"Did someone say hide and seek?" - Steph

"Yes, so could we maybe try and keep this a secret from everyone else, please?" - Maria

"Sure, it was starting to get boring around here. We can all hide in the living room no one ever use. Barbara you show them the way, I'll get the food/drinks and boardgames." - Steph

"Is this alright with you Alfred?" Maria

"It's all right Ms. Maria, you can hide out in the old living room." - Alfred

"Thanks Alfie, ya the best." - Harley

"Thank you Alfred." - Maria

"Ok then, follow me." - Barbara

…………

In the old living room, Harley, Maria, Barbara, Steph, and Cass began to formulate a plan.

"Ok, so the best way for them to never find you is to have your phone off, stay away from any and all cameras, and show your face to no one." - Steph

"So, do you have anything in mind that you might want to do?" - Barbara

"Can we put them on a wild goose chase?" - Maria

Cass nodded to Marias' suggestion approvingly.

"I can hack a few traffic cams to help with that." - Barbara

"We can also throw in some useless hints, to throw dem even further off our scent." - Harley

"Good idea Harley." - Barbara

"Thanks, but how long do ya think we should make it last?" - Harley

"As long as Maria wants it to." - Barbara

"Then let the games begin." - Maria.

•—–—–·†·–—–—•

Chapter 5 complete. Hope everyone is stayin' safe, Rockin' those Positive Vibes, and havin' an absolutely wonderful day. BUG-OUT 🐞💮🐞

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[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[punksarahreese]

Coming Out | Sarah Reese

Prompt #1 from Nova’s pride 2021 list

Word count: 2224

***

Sarah always felt like maybe she just wasn’t right. There must be something wrong because she never seemed to fit in. With her absent mother and her father who left as soon as he had the chance, she somehow felt alienated in her own home. Back in public school she never had many friends and always spent her free time with her nose in a book. Popular girls turned their nose up at her comfy clothes and unruly curls, claiming she didn’t put enough effort into her look. As she grew up, her social skills never really felt like they improved, instead Sarah would just mirror the actions of those around her in hopes that they would accept it. Yet she still went through high school being called a freak and being called out for “copying” everyone. It never made sense to Sarah, how people could make friends and converse so easily. She felt like she would sound so cliche whenever she thought about it, stating that she never fit in with the other girls, but it was true.

Sarah knew about her bisexuality from a young age, that was no secret to her. She read the term in a mental health book of all places, while she was hidden in a nook of the middle school library. It was common sense to her, of course she liked more than one gender; who didn’t? She would come to learn that sexuality was a bit more complex than that, though it would take a bit more research. It felt so black and white in Sarah’s mind but a lot of people didn’t agree with it, so she let her sexuality remain a secret for a while.

Still, she had her fair share of crushes on girls and boys in almost every stage of her life. One casual girlfriend in her undergraduate program was still the only real experience Sarah had though; until Joey at least. Neither relationship went very far, either due to Sarah’s confusion with all things social or the lack of spark there. She was so busy with school and work, and her partners in both situations just didn’t feel a connection after some time. Joey was an odd one in particular and Sarah wasn’t sure if it had been more of a him thing or her inexperience that ended it. It was weird and the end didn’t hurt as much as it maybe should have.

Her autism diagnosis was not a shock to her, though it had been to her mom. The week of her 16th birthday, Sarah had made a doctor's appointment and asked to be screened. It was the first time she could make medical decisions on her own and she wanted to know already, even though deep down she had a logical hunch. Years of research and even self-screening through countless medical journals had told Sarah she was probably autistic, so she wasn’t too surprised when she got an official diagnosis less than two years later. It was sensical to her really, the way she thought and felt and acted was so different to everyone else, and an actual label made her feel so seen. This was part of why she didn’t fit in, it wasn’t her fault it was the inaccessibility of normal life that made things so much harder. Her mother didn’t agree, she hated the idea of having a neurodivergent daughter; though she would never say it. Instead any mention of autism was ignored and Sarah’s needs were not accommodated until the day she moved out. It was how life at home had always been, as unfortunate as it happened to be.

There was something else Sarah should have seen coming, with her knowledge that she wasn’t the same as everyone else. Autism often came with a disconnect between the definition of gender and one’s identity and Sarah was no exception, since social constructs almost always went over Sarah’s head. She never felt right calling herself a girl and her brain always had a half second protest whenever she ticked the “female” box on any form. Still, she tried not to think about it too much. She didn’t feel like a boy either, she knew that for certain, so that was that.

It was, in fact, not that. As she got older and the internet queer community expanded, Sarah was exposed to more research and experiences of others in her shoes. Genders outside the binary existed, it was made clear to her, and pronouns were not restricted to those assigned at birth. It was a whole new realm of possibility and it scared Sarah more than she was happy to admit. She wasn’t a girl and she knew it, yet she also wasn’t not a girl. It was so confusing, which is why the thought was almost always pushed to the back of the mind, hidden away to worry about another day.

Curiosity got the better of her one day, though, after reading a forum about neopronouns. Someone was talking about their experience using she/they pronouns, stating that it helped them relate to her identity way more than birth assigned pronouns ever had alone. The poster had noted that they always felt detached from femininity and it was almost as if they were culturally female yet mentally out of the binary. It was that comparison that clicked with Sarah and she couldn’t stop herself from testing the theory.

“Sarah uses she/they pronouns,” she stated tentatively, “Their name is Sarah and she uses she/they pronouns…”

The instant gratification shocked her a bit, unsure of why it felt so right to say such a sentence. A few minutes passed as she sat in silence in front of the laptop, mulling it over. Something about the dual pronouns felt freeing, the idea of not being bound to just the ones she was so used to using. Maybe it would be okay to try them out for a while… just to see if it stuck and still felt as validating as it did alone in her living room.

Telling someone was the next step, though, to see if they were actually comfortable with these pronouns being used about her. Sarah was apprehensive, it would be scary to ask someone to use something different, especially after all these years at Med. Still, she had no reason to fear her friends and colleagues, they should be able to accept Sarah’s wishes.

It took a couple weeks before they were ready to bring it up, after a lot more self reflection and some serious deliberation. She thought this felt right, using new pronouns like this. They weren’t too sure if non-binary was the right label for her, but it didn’t matter in that moment. One step at a time was enough and really there was all the time in the world. So one day while a group of them were at April’s apartment for dinner, Sarah decided to speak up during a lull in conversation.

“Um… Can I ask you all something?”

Eyes were on them in a second, with a chorus of nods and agreement following almost immediately. She trusted everyone there, it was only April, Noah, Natalie, and Connor. Connor had brought Doctor Bekker too but Ava had always been nice enough to Sarah so she wasn’t worried. Besides, the rumour was that Ava wasn’t straight, if Sarah chose to listen to gossip, so she of all people should understand.

“What’s up, Sarah?”

Smiling shyly at Noah, who had looked at her curiously when he spoke, they nodded slowly before starting, “Uh… well I have done a lot of thinking lately… I want to try using she/they pronouns. So I want to ask you all to use both sets of pronouns for me.”

The silence scared her at first, instant regret setting in. Sarah wasn’t sure if that was bad or not, especially with the confusion on Nat’s face. Surprisingly enough it was Ava who broke the silence and Sarah caught the sharp nudge to Connor’s ribs that the surgeon gave before speaking.

“Okay, will do. Thank you for trusting us with that, Sarah, especially me since I know we don’t speak often.”

It was the nonchalant words from the blonde that helped them relax a bit, looking at Ava in silent thanks. She glanced at the rest of them shyly, hoping the worry knitting her brow together wasn’t too apparent.

“Um,” Natalie’s interjection was the most feared, though Sarah hated to admit it. It’s not that Nat couldn’t be trusted, she was just a little new to things out of the cisgendered-heteronormative binary and it made Sarah worried she wouldn’t be immediately accepting.

“What exactly does that mean?”

Sarah stifled a sigh of relief, an explanation was understandable and not the worst answer, “So basically I am comfortable with both she/her pronouns like you use but also they/them pronouns in the singular sense. With me you can use them interchangeably, I just like both as opposed to just she/her. I don’t... completely identify as female, I guess you could say.”

“Oh!” Noah nodded, “Like ‘Sarah said she was going to the lab, they will be back soon’?”

Sarah smiled at his excitement to understand, “Exactly like that.”

“It might be hard to adjust at first…”

“But we will still try,” April added to Natalie’s words with a pointed look, “Thank you for telling us, Sarah. We will do whatever you need to feel comfortable.”

“Reese?” When Sarah looked across the table at Connor he continued, “These two sets of pronouns, do you want us to use both at the hospital or just the ones everyone knows you as?”

“Oh yeah,” Ava agreed, “Don’t want to out the resident before they’re comfortable.”

Hearing someone else use “they” while referring to Sarah made them inexplicably happy, unable to stop the little happy hand flap she often tried to mask as she looked at Ava again. The surgeon seemed to notice the grateful glance and she nodded, a charming smile on her lips. Somehow it helped that Ava wasn’t close to her, maybe because her quick acceptance made the whole situation feel safer.

“Um, maybe just keep it between all of us at first,” Sarah answered slowly, “I’m gonna tell Maggie and Doctor Charles eventually, Ethan and Will too, but I want to give it some time before everyone else knows.”

“Got it,” Connor agreed and raised the glass of whatever alcohol he had brought with him, “Cheers to Reese’s self discovery, then.”

That made quite a few of them laugh, especially Sarah, because it eased the tension. It was still a bit weird for them, she knew that it would be an adjustment, yet no one had stormed out or gotten upset so it was a win in their book. It might take some more explanation for some time and some gentle correction, from what she knew, but it was a good start. When the conversation drifted back to lighter matters, talk of work and jokes about other things, it felt like a weight had been lifted off Sarah’s shoulders. It wasn’t perfect but they felt accepted for the most part, which helped.

When April hugged them before everyone left for home, Sarah just thanked her quietly. It went without saying that arguably her closest work friend accepted them wholeheartedly and they would probably talk about it again one on one. April just hugged Sarah a bit tighter, a reassuring murmur that things would be just fine reaching Sarah’s ears.

It was a clear night when they stepped out of the apartment complex, stopping to admire the stars for a moment before heading to her car. A call of her name had Sarah turning, though, and a familiar blonde was hurrying to catch up with her.

“Sarah, hey,” Ava’s friendly smile was visible thanks to the street lights, “I just wanted to tell you I’m proud of you for doing that. I don’t know if anyone has said it to you but I know how hard coming out can be, even as an adult. If you ever need to talk to anyone, I’m around, okay?”

“I-” Sarah felt her cheeks redden a little and they were grateful for the dim lighting that may have hid it a bit, “Thank you, doctor Bekker, that means a lot.”

“Please, call me Ava,” she laughed a little before glancing behind them, “I need to drive Connor home before he tries to walk, I’ll see you at work maybe?”

Sarah pursed their lips, stifling a laugh herself as she watched the other surgeon, clearly more than tipsy, hovering behind them looking lost, “See you then.”

“We can maybe get coffee some day,” Ava added nonchalantly as she turned to walk away, “Bye, Sarah.”

Sarah was left hovering by her car, the blush having returned to settle on her face. Once again their social skills evaded them, wondering if that was an allusion to a date or if Ava was simply being friendly. Either way, the immediate acceptance and friendly gesture from the supposedly cold and competitive surgeon was enough to make her giddy, shocked with how easily things went over. Not only did Sarah successfully come out to half her friends, but they may have made a new one in the process. It wouldn’t always be easy, she knew that, yet this was a situation that they decided to count as a good experience; all things considered.

It made her feel like maybe there had never been anything wrong with them at all. They were Sarah, that’s all, and in that moment maybe she was more than enough for the right people.

[that-crow-kid]

to define a way of being

by @galactic-cam (galactic_cam on ao3) for @slothbeans (slothbeans on ao3) in the @friendly-neighborhood-exchange

the story is here on ao3

Rating: General Audiences

Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark

Characters: Peter Parker, Tony Stark, background May Parker

Summary: Peter Parker had ADHD. He’d never gotten an official diagnosis, and it’d never been on his medical records. All he had was the vague memory of a doctor at his four-year-old check up recommending he get tested - and then his parents dying before the appointment could be made. He's done his research - there's nothing else it could be. But he'd adjusted, and he was good at school, so it hadn't really mattered all that much.

And then, because the spider bite put its greasy little fingers on everything else, it had to grab that, too.

It had been a rough few days. Well, no, scratch that, a rough few months. 

Peter Parker had ADHD. He’d never gotten an official diagnosis, and it’d never been on his medical records. When he was super little, like, before his parents died little, his pediatrician had told them that he should probably get tested. But then they’d died, less than a week later, and Peter was left with no official diagnosis, just the remnants of a memory of the doctors appointment. He’d reinforced this idea all throughout his life with his own research, but he had never told Ben or May. He figured they had enough to worry about, what with their four-year-old nephew suddenly coming to live with them after Ben’s sister-in-law and brother tragically died in a plane crash and all. 

So he’d just kept quiet. He was incredibly smart, and nobody ever accommodated for him, so he learned to adapt. Maybe not super well, but his grades were stellar despite the ADHD, so nobody ever really cared enough to diagnose or medicate him. 

And then he’d been bitten by the spider and it had gotten worse.

He’d always identified with Percy Jackson’s view of ADHD: You can’t streamline your thoughts because you get much more input. It made sense, and it was kind of how he felt. But then he developed superpowers, and it made more sense than ever before. 

He was getting 15 times the input he’d been getting before, between the super hearing and the super sight. It was pretty useful when he was fighting - if he was ‘focusing’ on one guy, he was also aware of the other guy pulling out a knife from a hidden pocket, and could adjust accordingly. It was not so great for school. It was already hard when you were acutely aware of the people whispering across the room - it was worse when you could actually hear what they were saying, and what the kids in the classrooms next to, across the hall from, above, and below you were all talking about. 

When his grades took a dip, he wasn’t shocked. He was mad at himself, of course, that he was letting his ADHD get in the way when he’d always been able to manage it, and since Peter Parker was good at stuff, there was a massive hit to his ego. He quit most of his after school activities to compensate - he needed to be doing stuff he was good at - and not at school where he was doing sub-par - and the thing he was suddenly good at was fighting crime.

And then Tony Stark had shown up at his door and whisked him away to Germany to steal Captain America’s shield, and his Homecoming had happened, and suddenly he was going to Mr. Stark’s lab in the newly rebought tower twice a week and staying over at the compound once a month.

Mr. Stark’s labs were actually a safe haven. They were sound proof, and Mr. Stark always had loud music playing, and most of the time there was nothing in there that messed with his senses. Mr. Stark worked strangely, jumping around from project to project unless he found one that really grabbed his attention. That style of working really clicked with Peter - he’d always just sat down and tried to do whatever it was he needed to - which had never really worked that well - but working in the lab, bouncing from thing to thing? That was perfect.

Today was different.

Peter had gotten his report card last week, and since it was now Tuesday, that meant he got to be scolded by Mr. Stark now, on top of the disappointment he’d gotten all weekend from May.

See, his grades were bad. Like, really bad.

Well, to a lot of kids, his grades were average, even pretty good. But for Peter Parker, top of the class in one of the country’s best schools, every teacher’s favorite Peter Parker, anything below a 90 was an extreme rarity. Anything below an 80? Where several of his grades were? Gods save the earth, because it was going to implode.

May had mostly been confused, with that constant disappointment rushing through her words. Why had he gotten Cs? He was supposed to be Peter Parker, perfect student, perfect kid. 

And now, Mr. Stark was going to take away his suit. His spider-manning was entirely reliant on his grades staying up, Mr. Stark had been clear on that. And how could he be Tony Stark’s protege if he got Cs? Mr Stark was halfway through his PhD by Peter’s age. 

Today was probably going to be the last time he saw Tony.

That was upsetting -  lab time was the only thing (other than spider-manning) that he looked forward to anymore. He was good at lab time, and Peter Parker was good at stuff. 

Of course, his brain gave a little “not anymore, you’re not.” Which, not cool, his brain was supposed to be on his side.

When he walked into the lab, Mr. Stark wasn’t working on anything, which was unusual, to say the least. He was seated, facing the door, a look of such disappointment on his face. 

Peter’s eyes focused on the floor. Wow, Mr. Stark sure had some nice tile under the epoxy that covered his lab floor. How could Peter have never noticed before?

“Peter.”

Tony’s voice startled him a bit, even though he knew that was why he’d been looking at the floor in the first place.

“Hey, Mr. Stark! How are you today? I’m really great. What are we working on today?” His sentences all came out in a rush, barely leaving any space between the words.

When he glanced up, Mr. Stark was looking at him, a smirk of amusement was tilting his lips, even though the rest of his face was still etched with disappointment. 

“What happened

Peter shrugged, eyes going back to looking at the floor.

“C’mon Kid, I need an actual answer. I know you’ve been doing all your work, and I know you’ve been home by curfew, unless you’ve hacked your suit again and convinced Karen to lie to me about it. So why’re your grades so low?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“Peter, you are the worst liar in the world.”

Peter sighed. “I know.”

“So? What happened?”

Peter glanced up. He looked at his mentor’s face, expecting disappointment, but instead he found… worry? And maybe curiosity?

“I have ADHD.”

“What? That’s not in your medical files -”

“I know, it’s not an official diagnosis. I was going to get one when I was little but… my appointment was after the plane crash, and…”

“You never did.”

“I never did. And I adjusted, kept my grades high, and nobody ever thought I could possibly have ADHD.”

“So what happened here?”

“The spider bite. It was always hard having ADHD because I noticed so much, but there’s a difference between being aware that the kids in the back of the room are talking and being able to hear what the class on the other side of the school is discussing with perfect clarity.”

Tony nodded. “I can only imagine.”

“But so my focus and participation went down, as did the quality of any work I did anywhere but in here.”

“Peter, why didn’t you tell me this before?”

Peter shrugged, but he knew the answer. He didn’t want Mr. Stark to think badly of him. How could he, Tony Stark’s protege, have ADHD?

Tony sighed. “Kid, did you know I have ADHD?” Now that caught Peter’s attention. He abruptly looked up. “What?”

Tony chuckled. “Yeah, kid. Dear old dad paid a lot to cover that up. And I wasn’t nearly as good at hiding it as you. I was all the way hyperactive, and Dad refused to medicate me. Told me to get over it, or that he wasn’t going to fuel a drug addiction in his son. His excuse changed.”

“But - But you were so good at school!”

“Dad paid off MIT to keep them quiet, but I assure you kid, I failed… several classes..”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

There was a quick beat.

“So, kid, what do you want to do about it?”

Peter, who’s eyes had refound their way to the floor, snapped back up to Tony. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, do you want to get a professional diagnosis? See a therapist? I’ve been meaning to rope you into therapy for a while now, this might just be the perfect way to start.”

“No - No, Mr. Stark! I don’t need therapy!”

“You might not need it yet - which I doubt, considering you fight crime in New York and I’ve seen you have several panic attacks - but all of the avengers go, and you’re an avenger-in-training. Gotta get you ahead of the game, kid.”

Peter sighed. “Fine. Okay, Mr. Stark.”

Tony pulled him into a brief hug, then slapped his back. “Brilliant, I’ll get on that for you later. For now, though, you wanna do something fun?”

Peter smiled. “Yeah. Yeah, that sounds -”

“Fun?” Tony broke in, a smile dancing across his face.

“Fun.”

[herstoryherlegacy]

God shows up

Today I had a laundry list of things to do starting at 8am. I jumped out of bed to do fasting bloodwork for my endocrinologist before my gyno appointment. I had time to grab a bite at Starbucks before that appointment. I was pretty happy because my favorite beauty brand Dose of Colors had reposted my Gofundme page on their IG stories. I can’t say enough about how sweet the entire staff is over there. I’m so blessed to know them and thankful for their support of me as an artist and person. I have been so blessed with donations to my family that I felt compelled to do something for someone else. In the drive thru I looked behind me, to see a mama and what looked to have been her baby in the back she was attending to. Of course I felt connected to her as a mama of a toddler. I wanted to treat her to her drink because who knows what she has going on, but it’s early morning and she’s been mom’ing already. At the window I paid for both of our orders and left to my doctors, hoping her day had been made. I also loaded my card up with $30 and posted it to my IG stories to further treat my lovely followers if they needed a drink. I’ll come back more to this later.

My gyno appointment wasn’t bad. I was getting a pap which I had missed a couple weeks prior. This doctor who was new to me, was the one who called me with my official diagnosis. He is kind and caring and I have never desired to have a male gyno, but I felt comfortable in his presence. He asked me how I was doing and I told him my concerns about wanting a hysterectomy to further avoid any cancers. He said that may not be the best choice, unless my genetics testing said I am at risk. He mentioned removing my ovaries can put me at higher risk of heart attacks and Jesus I’m already at risk because of my diabetes. I was hoping it would be a positive and preventative option, but it comes with its own risks. Am I willing to take them? Honestly…a lot of these choices aren’t even mine. I mean yeah, legally I have the choice to say no to chemo and no to surgery and just live my life like normal, ignoring my health concerns. But no one really does that. I hate I don’t have choices in what happens do me. No I will never opt out of treatment, because I value my life, but do I want to do any of this shit? Nay. With cancer, I don’t have any choices it feels like. My body is calling the shots and I have to bow down to what’s happening. I felt pretty upset after that talk. I felt scared. My once pretty ok morning was not spiraling into darkness. I still had shit to do. I needed to drop off my daughters homeschool work and pick up new work. I had to go to Ashley furniture and check out that recliner I wanted. I was in no mood, I was crying a ton. So I headed to Ashley. I knew I wanted to see the same nice lady who had helped me previously with my purchases, but what was her name again? I could describe her. But I didn’t feel like describing her because I felt like if I spoke I would cry, I was still in that place. So i sucked it up as much as I could and walked in.

Guess who was sitting right at the entrance to greet me. Helen 🤍. I reintroduced myself and told her what I was in for today. She remembered me and got up to show me around. She turned over her shoulder and asked how I was doing. I answered honestly. I told her I was not doing well, and that I needed this recliner for my chemotherapy. I of course, broke down. And she looked me dead in the eyes, really the only place she could look since we are both masked, and she spoke to me firmly, but not harshly. She told me to stop right now. She implored me to look into meditation. She explained all the benefits and told me that I needed to stop putting my fears into the universe and start replacing those with good thoughts. She had an entire conversation uplifting me and before I knew if I had stopped crying completely. I’m not sure helens religious beliefs or if she doesn’t have any, but the conversation we had could have very well replaced some words with “Jesus” and served the same purpose. Because yes I do believe the universe lines things up for us, but I can also say the same thing about God. And I whole heartedly because God lined me up with Helen today. She told me that if I had come yesterday or tomorrow she wouldn’t have been here. And it’s true. I was meant to go there yesterday but my daughter was sick and I saved it for today. I can’t deny that wasn’t Devine intervention. I needed helens healing words today. I found my recliner and was granted a great deal. And what do you know? Helen also works at Home Depot by me, has been for 25 years! I told her I also needed a new fridge and she was going to be able to help me there also. My needs are being met, and I have none other to thank than Jesus. He has never left me before, I don’t believe he would leave me now, and as much as I feel..betrayed by this diagnosis, God is showing me he is very much still there. I don’t know how to tap into him completely yet, my relationship needs work, but I want to know his plan and I want to know I’ll be okay. So far, I believe I’m being shown just that.

Poor Sophie had been super sick the other day with some sort of tummy bug. I also needed to grab her an at home covid test to help rule that out. I visited one CVS with no luck. Grabbed lunch and headed to another. This one I asked the pharmacy and she said it would be at the register if they had them, but she didn’t think they would. I was feeling defeated not being able to get one for soph, but I asked anyway. The girl said “you know what, I’ve been telling people all day we are out, but my manager actually found 3 in the back”..you’re here God, I see you. I grabbed one and with some assistance from the lovely associate I saved $12 off my purchase, these things aren’t cheap. I felt better and headed home. I had lunch, and passed out on the couch. I was exhausted to the bone running around for 6 straight hours. I slept on the couch for 3’ish hours. It felt wonderful. I’m still dreadfully tired so I’ll say goodnight here. But Regardless of what my relationship status is with the Lord, he has never ever not once left me hanging. I have always been able to have my needs met by him. This is no time for me to question our God, but instead press in, thank him for my blessings, see those silver linings, and manifest as Helen says, the things I want. So I am speaking into the universe, that I will be healed, that I will be here for my girls. I’m believing it. But also..don’t stop praying for me!

Oh! Before I go, trip out on this.

[ladywinterwitch]

Run Away (One - At the beggining)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Avenger! Reader

Summary: You and Steve complete each other. Your love is that strong and devoted kind of love that pushes people to things like marriage, making a family. You couldn't imagine that a baby would be something you really wished, until the possibility wasn't your choice anymore.

Warnings: mentions of sex, swearing, pregnancy talk, sadness, LIKE A LOT, badly written medical diagnosis, FLUFF, cheesy af, feels (im sorry this one's a little emotional k)

Word Count: 3316

A/n: I don’t know why this idea came to me, honestly. One day I just stopped and asked myself, why do actually people decide to have kids? At first I didn’t really understand, I always saw around that parents made a big deal of the idea of it. The whole pregnancy, having a baby to ‘show’ around and such without realizing that said baby will become an actual human being that you’ll have to educate. Which I still think is the case for some people, I’m not gonna lie. But then, thinking a bit more about it, seeing people really in love, and that want to spend the rest of their lives with each other wish to form a family because that’s something that they want to kind of experience and grow together. But honestly Idk, I mean, I don’t have any experience so I could be saying a lot of bullshit. Something that did inspire me tho is the song ‘Run away’ by Ben Platt, so being a little undecided on how to name this, I decided to pay tribute to this beautiful song. But still, I hope you’ll enjoy this. Also, making a multi-chapter series it’s a first for me, keep that in mind.

                                                   (gif not mine)

Steve will always remember the first time he saw you. You were a new recruit for the avengers team, you came from SHIELD and were one of the best, so Fury decided to add you to the heroes’ team.

You didn't need any superpower because you already were a force of nature of your own. Skilled in combat, a perfect spy, spoke eight languages, could aim a target and get the middle of it with closed eyes.

That day Steve was going to the gym with Bucky and when they arrived to the gym, they saw you. There you were. You wore a catsuit like Natasha's, all black and tight. Damn tight. Your fit but shapely body wrapped around that leather like it was made for it. And that's what Steve saw first, mainly because you two girls were moving in a sort of quick but graceful dance, shooting at simulation targets around the room.

And then all of a sudden you stopped, the simulation ending, and started to laugh. You gave Nat your guns and turned around. That's when Steve knew, he just knew that he was doomed. Your smile was the most beautiful thing that he'd ever seen. Your sharp but sweet features, your hair hair tied up in a ponytail with just a few strands of hair down in the corners of your angelic face.

When you saw them you stopped laughing, not having realized their presence, and smiled shyly. Steve was literally melting.

-Hey fellas. I'd like to introduce you to one of my best friends and best agents I know, Y/n. She's the new recruit sent by Fury.- Natasha came back without the guns while the two men edged closer.

-Hey there. Welcome to the team, i'm- - Bucky offered his hand, which you took gladly.

-Bucky Barnes, yeah not exactly a stranger.- you joked smiling, he returned the smile.

Steve was still looking at you, not realizing that it would've probably scared you off, but instead you offered your hand to him too, locking eyes.

-Y/n. I guess you must be Captain Rogers.- you teased with a smirk. He cleared his throat and shook your hand.

-Uh, yes. It's a pleasure Y/n.- he breathed out giving you a little smile.

-All mine.-  you responded, he chocked on his spit widening his eyes for a moment. Bucky was trying not to burst out laughing for how awkward his best friends was being, meanwhile Nat was looking at him like he was an alien.

-P-pardon?- he coughed out. You frowned a little biting your lip to stop smiling.

-The pleasure to meet you, captain. All mine.- you explained.

-Yeah, obviously. Uhm, alright see you, uhm.. later I guess. Welcome, again. Oh, call me Steve, please.- he blurted scratching his neck with his hand. You smiled sweetly.

-Thank you, Steve.- his name rolled on your tongue so perfectly that made him think of a few different scenarios, but before he could embarass himself further he gave a slap on Bucky's back, making him jolt forward in surprise.

-What the f-- he looked at the blonde with confusion.

-C'mon Buck, we have to take take of that business.- he basically dragged him towards the door.

-What business?- he furruwed his eyebrows.

-Fury's goddamn business, now hurry the fuck up.- he smiled through gritted teeth and whispered the last part.

And like that they left the gym. The two girls looked at each other and bursted out laughing.

-They seem nice.- you commented, cossing your arms.

-They are. But i'm gonna be honest, i've never seen Steve so flustered before. You must have left him quite, interested.- she marked the last word. You looked at her confused and she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

-Oh, for god's sake, Nat. He just met me, and i'm really nothing special. He's fucking Captain America, c'mon.- you rolled your eyes. She rose an eyebrow.

-Okay, if you say so. But it's true, what I said before. Also, you're a bomb, so shut it.-

-

Yeah. You gave that day exactly a month before you found yourself pressed against the wall, with Steve’s lips on your neck and moans spilling from your mouth.

-I've wanted to do this since the moment I saw you in that goddamn suit in the gym.- he muttered in between kisses. You smiled, taking his face in your hands, forcing him to look at you.

-Well, i'm glad you finally took a stand, cap.- he groaned and kissed you feverishly.

You ended up spending the night together, and when in the morning you woke before him, you started to dress yourself up, but he grabbed your wrist gently, making you turn to look at him.

He was really a sight. Dirty blonde hair a mess, bright blue eyes still sleepy, mouth curled in a smirk and his features soft. And cherry on top, he was stark naked, the sheets covering just above his groin. It really took all your mental strenght to not jump on him right then and there.

-Hey handsome.- you said lowly before continuing to get dressed. You put on your nude lace bra and panties before slipping on the simple dress that you wore the evening before. Tony had organized a little get together, nothing too fancy luckly.

-Where are you going?- Steve said, getting up. He put his boxers on, walking close to you. You looked down.

-Back to my room?- you asked rethorically. Steve stayed silent for a couple of minutes. You looked up again and saw that he looked a little hurt.

-You regret...tonight?- he muttered and your heart sank.

-What?- you asked.

-Did...did I do something wrong?- you shook your head. You were kind of confused by his behaviour. He just wanted a one night stand right? Or that's what you thought.

-No!- you exclaimed quickly -No, no, why do you say that? I mean..you don't- you don't want me to go?- this time it was his turn to be confused.

-What? No! I..I mean if you regret it or just consider it a one time thing, then I'm never gonna talk about that again, but-

-Was it, for you?- you interrupted him. He looked at you.

-Not for me, no. But if you want we can forget ab- you interrupted him again, this time with a kiss. You latched your arms aroud his neck and he hugged your waist tight. You kissed for a few seconds and then parted to breathe.

-I take it as a no?- he smirked and you chuckled.

-

The team almost threw a party when you said that you were officially together a copule months after. They all saw the chemistry between the two of you, plus Bucky and Nat were finally free from both your rambling about the other. Months passed and you and Steve became closer and more in love every day, so exactly one year after, he proposed to you. Needless to say that you said yes.

After a few months from the wedding you had some things in your mind. You and Steve always used protection in the first six months of your relationship, but then you just stopped. At first it had been a silly and quite risky decision, but then you noticed that no problem had come up, so you didn't thought about it anymore.

But now, you were actually married, in love, and you both wanted children. You didn't actually decided to try, but it was in the air. And the fact that neither of you came up with the prevention stuff actually confirmed it.

So while doing a little reckoning you realized that it was a bit more than a year that you were having unprotected sex, and nothing happended. Sometimes all it takes is just one time to 'fuck up', but...you didn't knew what was bothering you. So one day you decided to ask Bruce for advice. He was a doctor after all.

So you did just that. You went to the labs’ floor in the avengers tower and asked Friday in which one he was.

-Doctor Banner is in the biology lab with mr. Stark right now, mrs. Rogers.-

-Thank you Friday.- you headed to the biology lab and knocked, then came in. The two men smiled at you.

-Hey Y/n. Friday informed me that you wanted to see me?- Bruce asked sweetly. You nodded, stepping closer. They were busy with some papers and Tony was handling some files in hologram form.

-Yes. Uhm, can we talk alone? Or maybe I can come back later if you want.- Tony closed the files with a swirl of his hand and shook his head.

-Don't worry sugar, it's nothing that can't wait. I'm gonna grab a coffe in the meantime. Banner?- he squeezed gently your shoulder before heading to the door. The doctor shook his head, removing his glasses.

-I'm okay.- Tony nodded and closed the door after him. Bruce invited you to sit on a stool near him. You did and then took a deep breath. He was waiting, and also a little worried from the look you had on your face.

-Okay, first of all, I know that it's not your field and I actually came to you for medical advice so, uhm..if you're not comfortable- you started to ramble a bit, and that's when he placed his hand on yours. You looked up at him.

-Y/n, I am a doctor, but first, I'm your friend. Also, in the last years I dealt with many things that weren't exactly in my field, so there's a little left to surprise me.- he gave you a lopsided smile.

You bit your lip nervously. You weren't this shy and awkward usually, quite the opposite actually. You trusted Bruce with your life, but speaking with him about your sex life wasn't really on top of the list. Also you wore a sort of armor made of irony and cold minded decisions, but the truth is that when things came to a more personal level it made you uncomfortable. That's why you were going to leave Steve after your first night together in the first place. To try and protect yourself before others made you.

-Okay. Uhm.- you swallowed hard before talking. -I'm starting to wonder if there's, you know, something wrong with me.- he frowned.

-A little more specific, please.-

-I'm starting to think that I'm infertile.- you said just above to a whisper. Bruce remained quite surprised. He didn't really know what to expect, but he didn't expect that. His features softened and he concentrated, trying to remeber the few lessons that he attended in college.

-Oh. Okay, first of all, how are things between you and Steve?- he asked, knowing that you would understand what he meant.

-We are fine. We were using uhm.. condoms until a few months before the wedding, but since then we stopped. I made a few countings and it's a bit over than a year, circa.- he nodded, narrowing his eyes a little, thinking.

-Okay. And nothing happened? Like a false alarm, symptoms of some kind? Your periods are regualr?- you shook  your head.

-No, nothing happened, and that's actually the reason that I'm here. And no, I'm quite regualr, I suffer a lot the first cuple of days, but that's normal.- you shrugged. He nodded again.

-But, are you two actually trying to have a baby? Or it's just a doubt of yours?-

-Well, we did talk about kids a long time ago, and it's kinda why we stopped taking precautions, but no, we are not organized or nothing.-

-But you want to.- he says, more like a statement than a question. You bite your lip, realizing that you might cry.

-Yes.- you confess.

-Okay, listen Y/n. You're right, it's not exactly my field, but I can ask to a trusted person that I know for advice. I know already that we'll have to do at least a couple of ecographies, and It must be while you have your period.-

-It should arrive in a few days actually, next week maximum.- you say, looking at your hands in your lap. You were already feeling a little pain in your lower belly and you were hungry all the time, so it was quite certain.

-Alright. I'm gonna make a call, and then I'll tell you what we have to do.- you nod and raise from the stool.

-Thank you, Bruce.- you smiled a little, trying to hide your worry.

-Of course. If I can ask, does Steve know?- you feared that he would ask, but you shook your head anyways.

-No. I want to know first. It may be just a preoccupation of mine and I wouldn't want to upset him. Also, please, this stays between us.-

-Don't worry, this is safe with me.-

-

Bruce asked you to come in the infirmary five days after your conversation. You were in the first couple of days of your period, like he asked. You came down from your room to the lab and Friday let you in.

-Hi.- you saluted Bruce that turned from the ecography machine and smiled.

-Hey sweetheart. You okay?-

-Yeah, just feeling a little shitty. Usual pain.- you shrug.

-I'm sorry.- he said softly -Please open your hoodie, raise your shirt and unbutton your pants.- he asks calmly. You do as he says while he puts on latex gloves. You hop on the medical couch and wait, hands resting on your chest.

-Okay. So, I spoke to this old colleague which is a gynecologist. She told me that, like I said, we have do to two ecographies. The first at the beggining of the period, and the second at the end. Then I will send her the results, and if there's something else to do, we will. Or it may be that everything's fine and it will end there. At that point you should talk to Steve about an ovulation schedule, that  doesn't sound romantic at all- he chuckled a bit -But it could help.- he explained. You nodded, silently.

-For now let's stick to this. Sorry, the gel's a little cold.- you didn't really felt it when he applied it though. A trained spy sure isn’t scared off by some sold gelatine. He started to examin your lower belly, remaining silent. A few minutes later he cleaned the tool and put in his place.

-Here are some paper towels, clean up and you can dress up.- he palced his hand on your shoulder for a second. He had a calming effect, and you couldn't be more greatful for it.

You cleaned yourself from the gel and stood to button up your pants. He was writing something on the laptop, but then he directed to you his attention.

-You okay?- you nodded.

-Good. Well, that's it. We'll have another in...four days?- you responded with an okay, thanked him and went out.

While you were going towards the kitchen, you heard a few laughs and considered to turn your heels, not in the mood, but a voice stopped you.

-Hey doll, how you doin'?- Bucky jogged towards you smiling. He always called you that, for affection and also to piss Steve off, but you didn't mind at all. You loved Bucky.  You became fast friends in the moment you arrived. That's why as soon as he was less than a few feet away you started to cry. His smile dropped and his brows knitted in worry. He came to you and enclosed you in his arms. You face on his chest, sobbing.

-What happened? Sshh, honey. C'mon, let's go somewhere a little private.- He looked around and you both stepped in the elevator and he pressed the button for the private rooms floor.

You arrived and he lead you to your and Steve's shared room, you press your hand on the handle and it opens automatically, thanks to your fingerprints.

Bucky closes the door and you sit on the bed. You hold out a hand for him and he takes it. You both lay down on the bed while he hugs you.

-What's wrong honey? Uh?- he asks softly. Someone could say that it's not that normal for you to stay that close to him, being married to another man, but it wasn't the case. You considered Bucky like a big brother-best friend, he cared too much about Steve and you to even do something bad. He even cried like a baby the day of your wedding. You all teased him for months for it and he just said that pollen was making him lacrimate. But he actually told you that he was happy, and that no one more than you two deserved to be happy.

-I'm just a little stressed. Also, my belly fucking hurts. I need to cuddle but my husband's away on a mission. Again.- you sniffed, and snuggled closer to his chest, he tightened his grip a little.

-I'm sorry sweetheart.- he said. After a few seconds he tried to move, and your head snapped up.

-Where are you going?- he got out of the bed.

-I'm just going down to grab a few things, It'll be a minute.- he kissed your forhead and headed out.

You took a deep breath and took off your shoes, changing in your sweatpants and Steve’s sweater. Then you procedeed to take off your bra, ‘cause your boobs hurt like hell. You played a little with your phone, upset that you couldn't call Steve.

The rule on mission was that the one away should always call first, that means they have time to talk. He had been away for two days and it was expected to return in three days along with Nat, Tony, Wanda, Thor and Sam.

You just needed to cry. You've never been one of those cry babies, it came to you just when you were really really upset and angry. And now you just needed a break from all the thoughts in your head.

Bucky came back knocking a few minutes later. When you opened the door you saw his hands stuffed with things. He had brought choccolate, some water, latte, knowing that you prefer coffe over tea, a few aspirins and at least four or five movies. You smiled at him fondly and when he had finally put down all what he had brought, you jumped on him, hugging him tightly. He just chuckled and reciprocated the embrace.

-

You both go on the bed, surrounded by all the food that he brought, sipping your drinks. You had taken an aspirin right away, so now you were feeling a little better. You had decided to watch Zeffirelli's Romeo and Juliet, but you weren't really paying attention to it. It was one of your favourite movies, you could basically play it by memory line for line, but right now you realized that you had to talk to someone or you would explode.

So you told Bucky about all the stress, the fact that Steve was often away, not by his choice, on missions, and that you missed him terribly. With a little of courage you even told him about your doubts and the exams with Bruce. He looked a little taken back by the reveal, and said that Steve never mentioned anything about trying to have a baby, but he said that he would accompany you to the next ecography. That's because you didn't want to tell Steve, even if he said that you should because he would want to know, but he didn't push you.

He was really understanding and sensitive about it. He told you that no matter what there wouldn't have been nothing wrong with you, and that anyway there are other options to have a baby. You cried a little more until you fell asleep on his chest.

End of part one. How is this so far? What do you think will happen? Could it be interesting? Please let me know. Even tho I sure hope y’all are bc I already have some more parts ready, but it’s not finished yet. 

Also, I’m REALLY trying not to write the reader too affectionate with Bucky, but it’s making me literally sweat. I just love him too much.

[bunnyhanasong]

Broken

Chapter 2 of “Foolish Girl”

Main ship: widowtracer (though Amé isn’t in this one)

Side ships: pharmercy, implied mekamechanic, mentions of Dvamon, platonic mekatracer/HanaxLena

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, some family fluff uwu

Notes: some swearing, medical talk, Angela is a helicopter mum, Lena is still a dumb lesbian, Hana and Lena are soft sisters, Angie and Fareeha are Best Mums

Cross posted to my Ao3 lesbianlenaoxton

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“LENA OXTON, WHAT THE FUCK.”

“Hana,” A soft voice murmured from across the room, “Volume down please, people are trying to heal.”

“Yeah yeah, sorry, eomma,” Hana waved a hand at Mercy, letting the door close behind her. She crossed the room to the hospital bed, glaring at the tiny woman slumped against the pillows.

“Lena, what the fuck,” Hana repeated at a much lower volume, “What were you thinking?”

“Hana, please don’t pester her,” Fareeha spoke from her seat on the couch, “Angela already reprimanded her enough.”

The blonde tucked protectively under Fareeha’s arm smacked her shoulder lightly in reproach, “She deserved it.”

“She got shot, Habibti,” her girlfriend reminded her gently, “She’s been punished enough for now.”

Lena grumbled something from under her scratchy hospital issued blanket, making everyone turn to her. Her skin was still a sickly pallor, though she did look a bit more alert despite the amount of morphine she was on. Her unruly hair was still that, fluffed up against her pillow.

“I didn’t intend on getting shot, Love,” Tracer rasped lowly, dark eyes apologetic as she looked at her best friend.

“But you did,” Hana concluded, “All because of Widowmaker.”

“No...” Lena frowned, “She saved me. Reyes would have killed me if she’d not been there.”

Hana looked back at Mercy for help but Angela just shook her head, “She has a point... We all heard her over the comm.”

“She... she’s not as bad as you want to believe,” Lena murmured in a way that sounded almost meek, “It seemed like she broke through her programming... at one point she sounded just like Amé.”

Angela hummed and shifted against Fareeha to look at Lena, “She did sound a bit more emotional than in the past. Not to mention her not killing you and also contacting us. That was very odd.”

“She’s still in there, Angie,” Lena’s voice cracked a little as she willed Angela to understand, “She’s not dead.”

Hana saw tears welling in Lena’s eyes and frowned, reaching over to take her hand. Lena gave her a weak smile and slumped back against her pillows when Angela didn’t respond. Hana sat down on the edge of the bed, brushing her friend’s hair out of her eyes before speaking.

“So, aside from the obvious, how are you feeling, Lee?”

Lena shrugged, leaning a bit into Hana’s touch, “Like I got shot.”

Hana rolled her eyes, “No duh, pabo,” stupid, Lena knew what that one meant.

“I don’t know,” Lena lifted her hand to show the IV taped in place, “Good drugs. Can’t move though, then it hurts.”

“What’s the actual diagnosis, Doc?” Hana asked Angela, who’d gotten up from her place in Fareeha’s arms and was over at the counter looking at files.

“Bullet wound to the upper thigh, just missed the femoral artery. No exit wound but unless the bullet begins to cause issues there is no logical reason to remove it.” She looked at Lena pointedly, “You’re lucky, Reaper usually isn’t that kind. In any other instance he would have aimed for your head.”

“Amé... I mean Widowmaker was too close,” Lena replied, “He knew she would have fought him.”

“Acting out to protect the enemy like that is not logical on her part,” Fareeha began, “Especially if she’s breaking through her programming; God knows what Talon might do to her.”

“Angie... is there any way to get her out?”

Mercy’s blue eyes were stern as she spoke again, “Lena, we cannot risk our lives to save her. She’s still a brainwashed assassin, and a very good one at that. We do not need another Gérard situation.”

“But-”

Angela held up a hand, “Süsse, please do not push it. Unless she comes to us willingly and asks for me to reverse their brainwashing, I will not interfere.”

Lena gave Angela a sour face at the pet name, not in the mood to be babied. She sighed and nodded in digression, knowing better than to push the older woman any further.

“Eomma?”

Angela couldn’t help but smile when Hana called her mom, “Yes, Hana?”

“When can Lena come back to the safe house?” They had a safe house in every major city, since Overwatch activity was technically illegal; it was better to stay hidden. Their Paris safe house wasn’t very big, but in an instance like this it wasn’t possible for them to leave for a still operating watchpoint just yet.

“If she doesn’t develop a fever or infection she can go home in the next couple days. No walking though. Wheelchair for the time being and then crutches when you get your strength back, Lena.”

Lena groaned, “You’ve got to be kidding,” she pouted at Mercy, “How long?”

“You will probably be walking in 4-6 weeks. We will need to do physiotherapy to avoid muscle damage and I want to keep a close eye on your progress. No missions or running for a while, I’m afraid.”

“Angie! That’s so long.”

The doctor shrugged, “Maybe you’ll think next time before you go running into danger without backup.”

“Angela,” Fareeha said gently, “Be nice.”

“She deserves to know how utterly stupid that was.”

“And I’m sure she does, darling,” Fareeha has stood and cross the room to her girlfriend, “But you’re not helping.”

Angela just glared up at the taller woman for a moment before sighing. She walked over to Lena, checking her vitals on the monitor and adjusting the morphine drip. When she was finished she glanced down at the younger girl, who was staring at her with apologetic puppy eyes.

“I’m sorry, Lena,” Angela leaned down to drop a kiss to her head, “I will try to speed up your healing as best I can. We can talk about this later, but I’m not angry. You just scared me, I don’t want to lose you.”

Lena smiled in spite of herself at the affection and her honesty, “I’m sorry too, mum. I’ll try to be careful in the future.”

“Please do, for the sake of my poor old heart.”

Hana rolled her eyes, “You’re not old, Angie.”

“Feels like it,” Angela stood up straight and flinched when her back implant pinched at her skin. She went back over to Fareeha, who immediately placed a gentle hand on her back as she sensed her discomfort.

“Why don’t you go rest, Angela? I can take you home and then come back and watch the pup, she will be fine.”

“What is it with all of you and calling me a puppy?” Lena grumbled, a pout on her face as she listened to her teammates.

“I should stay...”

“Habibti, you need sleep. Please, I’ll stay with Lena until she sleeps and then I will come back home, yes? I’ll bring Hana home with me.”

Angela sighed and rubbed her tired eyes, “Alright.”

Fareeha smiled and pressed a kiss to her temple, letting Angela collect her papers and bag before leading her out into the hallway. The younger girls watched them go, Hana sighing when the door shut completely.

“Angie’s been a mess since you got shot,” she explained seriously, “You were out for two days, I’m sure you’re aware.”

Lena nodded, frowning, “Has she slept at all?”

“Not really,” Hana replied, “Fareeha’s coaxed her to take naps on the couch but this is the first time she’ll be going home since. She’s been living at the hospital with you.”

Lena sighed, feeling bad for the stress she’d clearly caused Angela. She rubbed her hand over her face, feeling her own eyes droop with sleep as the morphine hit her again; Mercy must have increased her dosage.

“Sleepy?” Hana’s voice was slightly teasing as she patted Lena’s arm gently.

“Mhm,” Lena nodded, “Meds are strong.”

“Lucky you,” the younger girl laughed and glanced back at the door, “Want me to leave so you can sleep?”

“Nuh-uh,” the small woman stifled a yawn, “Hana?”

“What’s up, Lee?”

“Cuddle?”

Hana scrunched up her face in mock disgust, “Ew, affection? Gross.” When Lena flashed her signature puppy eyes though, Hana dropped the act, “You’re lucky you’re cute, dummy.”

Hana got off the bed and helped Lena move over carefully, trying not to jostle her leg. She pulled back the blankets and climbed up beside her friend, laying down and covering them both up. Once Hana was situated, Lena smiled at her and snuggled as close as she could; though it was difficult since she was stuck laying on her back.

“Better?”

Lena hummed in agreement, “You’re warm.” She leaned her head against Hana’s shoulder, “Who’s all at the safe house?”

“Angie, Fareeha, Jack, and Mei,” Hana replied, “Then me and Brig. And you, in a few days.”

“Ah, how is Brigitte?” Lena’s voice held a teasing edge to it. There was no secret that Hana and the Swedish mechanic-turned-healer were involved, but the extent of their relationship wasn’t as clear.

Hana turned a shade of pink that would put her original meka to shame, “S-she’s fine. We’re good... great actually.”

Lena giggled at her reaction, “You two official yet?”

Knowing she wouldn’t escape this conversation, Hana sighed, “Not yet. I mean, I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?”

The Korean girl shrugged, “We’ve been taking things slow. She knows I’m... apprehensive about relationships, and she respects that.”

“Aw, that’s sweet,” Lena poked at Hana’s reddened cheek, “Brig is a good person.”

The smile that fell on Hana’s lips was genuine and full of adoration, “She’s lovely and I really do love spending time with her... It’s just hard, Y’know? After Yuna...”

Tracer knew all about Dva’s past relationship with her meka teammate Yuna, code name Dmon. It ended when Hana decided to join Overwatch, which took her away from Korea and her friends in the army. Yuna had been supportive but very firm in her view that Hana was leaving a whole life behind and she might not be around when the other girl returned home. It was really hard on Hana and Lena knew that, especially since finding out that Yuna and Kyungsoo had ended up getting engaged recently.

“I know, love. And I’m sure Brigitte is going to be understanding and patient for you. Just don’t keep the girl waiting too long, yeah? She’s quite the catch.”

“Hands off, Oxton,” Hana joked at Lena’s implication.

Lena raised her hands in mock defence, “She’s all yours, Song.”

Hana laughed and knocked her head lightly against Lena’s, “I miss hanging out with you.”

“I miss you too, love,” the older girl replied sincerely, “Should come visit me back in London when you get the chance. Figure I’ll be on leave for a while once Angie lets me out of her sight.”

“Maybe I will,” Hana agreed happily, “London is nice.”

The room fell into a comfortable silence for a while, save for the beeping of Lena’s heart monitor and the hum the morphine pump. Hana wrapped an arm around Lena as she turned on her side, getting comfy once again. The two had grown a lot closer since Dva joined overwatch, it was a given since Lena was the closest to Hana’s age next to Brigitte. Despite the seven year age different between them, they’d quickly become close friends. Lena has began seeing Hana as a little sister and she would do anything to protect her.

“Lee?”

Lena hummed sleepily, “Yeah?”

Hana’s voice seemed apprehensive, “Can I ask you something?”

Lena raised an eyebrow and turned her head to look at the younger girl, “What’s on your mind, love?”

“Could you tell me about Amélie?” Hana winced at the way Lena’s eyes portrayed her pain, “If it’s not to hard on you.”

Lena put on a brave face, though talking about her best friend who might as well be dead was still painful, “What do you want to know, Hana?”

“What was she like? I never met her but you seemed to be rather fond of her. I’ve heard she was lovely to be around.”

“She was lovely,” Lena began in a soft tone, “So lovely. She seemed a bit snobbish in the beginning but I think that just comes with her being a countess, you know? Once we actually spent time together I realized how sweet she actually was. She was so joyful and her laugh, God, Hana, her laugh was so adorable you just couldn’t help but smile when you heard it.”

Hana smiled sadly at the way Lena’s eyes were melancholic, knowing the memories were all very bittersweet to her now. She patted Lena’s hand lightly, “I’m sure it was pretty. She was very beautiful in the photos I’ve seen.”

Widowmaker may have Amélie’s body but she did not resemble the woman much at all. Amélie hadn’t been as thin, having a nice dancer’s build with a little more meat on her bones. Widowmaker’s blue skin was pulled taunt over bone, clearly due to the fact that she no longer needed to eat. Amélie had the kindest soft grey eyes Lena had even seen as well, which made Widowmaker’s contrasting golden eyes all the more unsettling. Widowmaker’s mannerisms were a little more similar, but her demeanour contrasted so much with Amélie’s that she barely seemed like the same person anymore.

“She was gorgeous,” Lena agreed with a sure nod, “A dancer too. So strong and sure of herself, seeing her dance was absolutely breathtaking.”

“Lena?”

The older girl made a sound in reply, lost I thought now as she remembered her past with Amélie and Gérard.

Taking that as a response, Hana continued cautiously, “Did you...love her?”

“Uh,” Lena was a bit taken aback, “I... well I never admitted it; never really liked to think about it. She was my mentor’s wife, Hana, I couldn’t have feelings for her.”

“But you did,” Hana concluded, knowing the answer already.

“Yeah.”

Hana took her hand and laced their fingers together, giving Lena’s hand a reassuring squeeze, “I’m sorry, Lena.”

“It’s okay,” Lena said even though it really wasn’t and never had been okay, “I miss her but... Angela’s right. Unless Widowmaker comes to us for help, we can’t change what happened. We don’t even know if Mercy could reverse the brainwashing, Talon’s had her for so long now. The other day could have ended a lot differently, I’m just as surprised that she didn’t decide to kill me.”

“It’s okay to hurt over it still, Lena. Your feelings are valid and it’s okay to mourn the loss of your friend. Maybe you should have thought before you acted yes, but Widowmaker didn’t kill you and that’s all that matters right now.” Hana looked at her pointedly, “But please no more running head first into danger like that. I can’t lose you.”

“You won’t lose me, love,” Lena promised, “I’ll be here to be your annoying big sister forever.”

“I’ll hold you to that, Oxton.”

Lena laughed and Hana did too, though her’s was partially interrupted with a yawn.

“Sleepy?” Lena echoed her friend’s earlier question, earning a nod from the younger.

“Yeah,” Hana replied as she threw her arm back across Lena’s waist, “Nap time.”

With a chuckle, Lena wrapped her arms around her best friend, watching as she snuggled closer and closed her eyes. It was times like this where Hana’s true age showed, where she was just a nineteen year old girl and not a soldier or a superstar gamer. She was just Hana Song, a sweet girl who worked too hard and worried too often. This was the Hana that Lena felt drawn to protect, her baby sister who she knew wasn’t always as strong as she forced herself to be.

Hana had fallen asleep quickly, leaving Lena awake and left to her own devices. She was basically immobilized due to her leg and half of Hana’s weight resting on her, so she occupied herself by glancing around the room. It was a normal hospital room, small and all white with the usual equipment. There was a tiny couch and a counter with a sink across the room, and a door that led to the small bathroom across the way. The main door was creaked open, making Lena jump until she realized it was just Fareeha.

“Hey there, little pup,” the Egyptian woman spoke softly when she saw Hana was asleep, “How are you feeling?”

Lena smiled at her, “Sleepy, but not bad, love. How’s Angie?”

“Overworked, but she’ll be fine,” Fareeha replied with a sure nod, “She’s stubborn but she means well.”

Lena was about to answer when a yawn interrupted her, making Fareeha laugh in that charming booming way that made everyone smile.

“Why don’t you rest, little one?”

“Nervous,” Lena admitted quietly, “Don’t like unfamiliar rooms, especially hospitals, reminds me too much of after the accident.”

Fareeha crossed the room and dragged the single chair closer to the bed, “Oh, you poor thing. Hopefully you’ll get home soon, that will make things easier I figure.”

Lena nodded and smiled when Fareeha’s warm hand brushed over her forehead. The older woman was so gentle, contrasting her stern appearance and large, muscular body. She was undeniably handsome, in a way that everyone was so drawn to her. Not to mention her way of speaking was so eloquent and reassuring that her presence soothed Lena almost immediately.

“Would you like me to sing something,” Fareeha questioned nonchalantly, “It used to help keep you calm, no?”

After the slipstream incident, Lena had been contained in a see through glass bubble as Winston and Mercy worked to keep her anchored to this world. As she was drifting in and out of the time frame, the young woman would often have panic attacks. Fareeha was usually there to bear witness to the attacks, since she was almost always around Angela. She had been the one to keep Lena calm, surprisingly, by singing her lullabies in Arabic.

“Sure,” Lena replied with a smile at the other woman, “That’d be nice.”

So Lena snuggled back down into her blankets, Hana’s body heat keeping her warm and feeling safe. Fareeha kept a hand on her hair, running her fingers through it gently as she began to sing a lullaby that had become rather familiar to Lena. It was called Nami Nami, “Sleep sleep” or something along those lines, and it was one of Lena’s favourites. Fareeha’s singing voice was low and pleasant, immediately surrounding Lena in a sense of calm and comfort.

Soon enough Lena began to drift off, letting her eyes flutter closed as Fareeha’s voice lulled her into sleep. She was almost completely asleep when she felt the faintest brush of lips on her forehead.

“Rest well, little one. Heal nice and strong, we need you on our team again.”

[ladyofpurple]

here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

[pinkstarbeam]

The girl down the road has cancer (A plance AU)

DISCLAIMER: THIS AU CONTAINS SENSITIVE TOPICS SUCH AS THE FOLLOWING; CANCER (SPECIFICALLY LEUKEMIA), NEEDLES USED FOR MEDICATION, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, HOSPITALS, AND JUST OVERALL A REALLY FEELS FILLED AU THAT YOU ALL ASKED FOR. ENJOY THE PAIN I’VE WRITTEN FOR YOU, YOU HEATHENS (Love you guys tho o3o~<3)

Lance had lived in the same neighborhood his whole life so when a new family was moving in down the road it immediately peeked the interest of the seventeen year old

With a pie from his Mother in hand that served as a ‘Welcome to the neighborhood’ he walked to the newly occupied house and rang the bell

Matt, the eldest son of the Holt family answered the door which relieved Lance as most the occupants of the neighborhood were retired couples mixed with empty nesters 

“I’d invite you in, but we are still unpacking and my parents want to ‘De-Germ’ themselves before going to see my sister.” Matt joked

“Is your sister a germaphobe or something?” Lance joked back

Matt’s smile faltered “Oh uhm..No..She’s sick.”

“Sick?” Lance asked feeling bad for the joke he made

“Yeah, she was recently diagnosed with Leukemia, she’s in the children’s hospital here because, they specialize in it, hence why we moved here.”

“Oh man...Well tell her that she’s in my families thoughts and prayers.”

Matt’s smile returned a bit “Thanks, Katie will be happy to hear we’ve already met some nice neighbors.”

Just then Matt’s Mom called and the two parted ways

Returning home Lance laid on his bed as he stared at his family portrait on is bedside table, he had no idea how he would handle it if any of his family members ended up getting that sick, the mere thought was enough for tears to sting his eyes. He decided in that moment that when he could, he would go see Katie and do his best to help her though this as a new friend whenever he didn’t have to be elsewhere.

In the hospital Katie sat listening to the machines around her, the constant beeping would have driven any normal person mad, but thanks to growing up around computers she was fairly used to all the many noises they could make

Looking towards her door she watched as one of her doctor came in “You better be here with peanut butter cookies Shiro.”

Shiro laughed as he took a seat on his stool “I’ll see what I can do about getting you some later, for now I need to ask you how you’re feeling right now before we start your first chemotherapy session.”

Katie sighed as she looked down to her hands, she had heard chemo was painful and drained your energy, even if it was supposed to make her feel better, she wasn’t ready to feel that way

“I’m okay..I just...” tears stung her eyes “It’s not fucking fair.”

“Language Katie..”

“I’m sorry but, it’s just...Last summer I was competing at the nationals for robotic design and now i’m..”

“Stuck in a bed.”

“Yeah.”

Shiro gently touched her shoulder “It’s going to be a hard journey Katie, but I can promise you it’s going to be worth is. We cure eighty percent or childhood cancer and though it isn’t good you got sick in the first case, your leukemia is still in it’s early stages which means that within the year you should be able to leave the hospital aside from monthly check ins.”

Katie knew eighty percent was a goo odd, but the twenty percent liked to weigh on her mind more 

After discussing how she felt her first IV based chemotherapy session took place a few hours later once her family had arrived to support her

She felt lousy to the say the least

Her Mother’s grip on her hand was almost painful, but Katie knew her Mother was secretly worrying herself sick behind her strong wife and mom facade

As for her Father he looked as if he hadn’t slept since in who knows how long, actually she did, he hadn’t slept well since her diagnosis

Matt sat at the foot of her bed “A kid your age stopped by today, friendly guy, think he said his name was Lance? He said him and his family will keep you in their thoughts and prayers.”

“How nice of them, isn’t that wonderful Katie?” her Mother asked

Katie didn’t answer, she was feeling weaker by the minute 

“We should let her rest.” Her Father finally spoke “We can take turns coming to see her tomorrow.”

Her Mother and Matt nodded before the three of them said their goodbye’s and I love you’s before Katie allowed the fatigue to take over

Months passed and what was left of Katie’s long sandy brown hair was becoming patchy due to her medicine, she hated it, the mere sight of the patches filled her with anger towards her body, how could she be so weak? Why couldn’t she just die already!?

She quickly backpedaled that thought as she looked to the picture o f her family that sat on her bed side tray

tears began to spill from her eyes as she screamed at the top of her lungs and threw her pillow across the room

Shiro quickly hurried in and was followed by a few nurses

He quickly hugged “Katie, Katie calm down, it’s okay.” he spoke softly as he calmed her down “Look at me.”

Katie slowly pulled her face away from his shoulder looking up at him

“Do I need to ask Adam to come talk to you? Would that help?”

Katie nodded, Adam was the teen therapist at the hospital as well as Shiro’s husband, the two of them keeping her sane when her family wasn’t around

Shortly afterwards Adam came in and gave Katie a small smile “Tough morning pidge?”

The sound of her nickname lifted her heart a bit, she hated how formal her name was beginning to sound.

“I...I don’t..”

“It’s okay, take you time.”

She nodded and took a deep breath “I...I keep getting these thoughts..”

“Thoughts?”

Another nod “I..I thought that maybe things would be easier..if i just..died.”

She noticed Adam’s face fall before he took of his glasses “Can you pinpoint why you thought that?”

“It’s just, if I hadn’t gotten sick my-”

“I’m going to stop you there, Katie, you did not choose to get sick and there wasn’t anything you could have done to prevent this.” he gave he a small smile “You’re getting better, I know the medicine makes you feel gross, but  that means it’s working and if it’s working then that means you’re nearly out of here.”

Katie held a fistful of her blanket “..Things will never be normal again will they?”

“Well.” Adam paused “There is no such thing as normal, life likes to throw us curve balls just to mess with us, but the best way to hit them for a home run is adaptation.”

“What do you mean?” Katie asked

“Change is a part of life, it itself is basically the curve ball, if you allow the change to come, you can hit it and show life that you’re not backing down.”

Katie smiled a bit “Just like with my cancer..”

Adam’s smile widened “Exactly, you’re showing life that you’re going to fight to live, that change won’t stop you.”

Katie opened her arms and Adam chuckled giving her a hug “Anything else?”

“I..Could we shave my head?”

Adam blinked in shock “Are you sure?”

Katie nodded “It’s not weakness...It’s progression.”

Lance had been stopping by ever since he was given the okay, at first he only came when Matt was there but, after getting a bit closer to Katie he began to come see her after his chores

“Afternoon Ka-” he paused see Katie wearing a green knitted beanie that looked like it had little cat ears

“Cat got your tongue McClain?”“ Katie asked as she forced herself to eat her lunch

“You cut it off-er I mean, not that it looks bad!” Lance rubbed the  back of his neck

“It’ll grow back once i’m finally in remission.”

Lance took a seat in the chair by her bed “Any word when that’ll be?”

“Well it’s been nearly half a year..Weird to think it’s nearly Christmas.” Katie aid looking to the Christmas lights that one of her nurses had hung up for her

“So half a year to go then.” Lance said trying to keep the air happy

“Yeah..” she looked down at the cold tomato soup and sighed “I just..If I get one Christmas miracle it will be that i’m out of here before my sixteenth birthday.”

“When is that?” he asked sipping his water

“April 3rd”

“I mean, that’s not a crazy wish, it’s only two months short of a year.”

“I’ve had to do my sophomore year online, which isn’t bad, but I wish I at least had friends- well other then you I mean, life real classmates.” she sighed

“Well if you’re in remission that means you’ll get to come to school next year and bask in my seniority.”

“If you don’t get held back” she snorted

“W o w.” he flicked a chip at her

Katie laughed “Hey!”

A smile crossed Lance’s face, he secretly loved it whenever she laughed, it made his heart happy to see her happy

The first time he met her she could barely even speak to him and now here she was laughing with him

“Oh right! Did you ask Allura to the prom yet?” Katie asked sipping her juice

“That’s like asking if I, a lowly farmer, have taken the hand of a princess.” Lance huffed

“Oh please, just ask her out already you pansy.”

“What about you?”

Katie blink “What about me?”

“If i’m at the prom then who will be here with you?”

Katie fanned her hand hiding the slight blush that colored her cheeks “I’ll be fine, i’ll just make fun of your monkey suit another day.”

He snorted “I’ll have you know I look great in a tux.”

“Cause you’re a monkey.”

As Katie’s birthday drew closer she began to think she was stuck until June, but then, two days before her birthday, Shiro came in

“Are you ready to go home?”

“Shiro that’s not funny, I know it’s April fools day, bu-”

He shook his head “You’re officially in remission Katie.”

Katie felt tears sting her eyes “You promise you’re not joking?”

He nodded “We went over you last charts and it seems that your leukemia is nearly gone, we’ll need you to come on for monthly check ups though.”

Katie was sobbing into her hands, she couldn’t believe it, she was going to finally leave the hospital after nearly a year

After hugging her Shiro left to call her parents, and Katie, well Katie called Lance

“He..Hello? Katie? Katie it’s five in the m-”

“They are releasing me today!”

“Wait what?!”

“I’m in remission Lance! I got my wish.”

Lance smiled “Will you get to come to school for the last month?”

“I doubt that, I’ll have to wait till next term, but that means we can hang out this summer.’

“Oh yeah! And you can finally meet my friend Hunk, you’ll love the big guy, he’s great!”

The two talked well until Lance had to leave for school and soon enough Katie was standing in front of her new home

“It’s not truly home but-” Her dad began but she cut him of

“Wherever you guys are is home..”

Her parents and Matt hugged her tightly before heading in

Baebae quickly bounding towards her girl who she had missed oh no much

By the time Lance got out of school Katie had finally gotten her room to her liking

With a knock Katie allowed him in

Lance walked in and couldn’t wipe the smile of his face as Katie stood there watering some succulents

“Not gonna miss that hospital smell.” he joked

she giggled ‘I’m not gonna miss it at all.” she sat down on her bed

“So are you okay to leave the house?” he asked

“I’m supposed to take it easy for a bit, my body is already sore from just moving back home.” Katie admitted

Understanding Katie had to think about her health he settled or the two of them catching up on RWBY on her laptop

As prom  got closer the more Lance was beginning to worry about prom, he had wanted to ask Allura, but here recently he guessed his crush had faded

When he thought about about the type of girl he liked he came to a very quick conclusion 

He liked Katie

However Katie couldn’t come to prom seeing as it wouldn’t be safe for her, because if she got sick again he would never forgive himself

So, he got an idea

Come prom night Katie heard a knock down stairs and went to answer it to find Lance standing on her front porch in his tuxedo whilst holding a bouquet of flowers

“Wow you do actually clean up nice.” Katie smiled “Are you on your way to pick up Allura?”

“Nope.” he held the bouquet out to her

Her cheeks turned slightly red “What are these for?” she asked taking them

“Well, this is my way of asking you to my personal prom.” 

“Personal prom?”

He nodded “I was just gonna dance the night away by myself, but I thought it would be more fun with you.”

She snorted “You’re such a dork.”

“Only for you.”

The two went up to her room and  turned on some music

Matt and her parents even joining in at times 

Between dancing they took video game breaks and before either of them realized it was well past midnight

Katie laughed as she laid back on her beanbag holding her wii remote up in victory “I win!”

“Only because you blue shelled me on the second lap!” Lance huffed

“Oh shush you hit me with a bullet in the first lap.”

“Touche.”

There was was a knock on her door and the two looked up to see her dad standing there

“You two should get some sleep it’s late, Lance if you want you can sleep downstairs.”

“It’s alright, it’s not like I live far.” he smiled getting up “I’ll see you tomorrow Katie.” he waved as he grabbed his suit jacket and left

Sam followed him out “Hey Lance.”

Lance turned to look at him “Yes Mr.Holt?”

“My students call me Mr.Holt, feel free to call me Sam.”

he nodded

“I just wanted to thank you for befriending Katie, she didn’t have a lot of friends outside her robotics team back at home, so when she got sick it was easy to tell she felt alone.”

Lance smiled “She’s a cool girl..It’s an honor just to get to be her friend.”

Sam chuckled a bit “Probably would be a bigger honor to be her boyfriend huh?”

Lance turned red as he gave a nervous laugh “I-I mean.”

Sam laid a hand on his shoulder “Relax, I think you’re good for her so, if you ever want to ask her out one of these days you have my blessing.”

Lance felt a smile come over his face “Alright, good night Mr- Sam!” and with that he headed home unable to wipe the grin off his face

Summer came and Katie sat in Lance’s back yard reading as Lance swam in his pool

“Katie come on the water is nice!” Lance whined

“I already told you I don’t want to swim.” Katie laughed

In all honesty, she actually didn’t know how 

However the next thing she knew a wet Lance was  throwing her over his shoulder causing her to drop her book “Lance don-”

But it was too late, the boy already jumped in the pool

When they came up for air Katie was coughing and clinging onto Lance for dear life

“See it fee-..Are you okay?” he asked worried when he felt her shaking

“I can’t swim.” she admitted coughing up some water

Lance immediately felt like shit “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It’s embarrassing, i’m sixteen and can’t go past the five foot line..”

“I could always teach you? Then we can go on a beach date!”

Katie blinked blushing slightly “Date?”

Lance quickly realized what he said “I-I mean if you-”

She laughed splashing him with a bit of water “Date it is.”

//Thank you guys or being patient with me

[bamby0304]

The Hart II: Highway

Summary: Off on her own, without the Winchesters, Bobby, Ellen or Jo, Lizzie tries to get back to what she does best… hunting. But time is running out, Dean’s soul is on the line, and now everyone knows Lizzie is psychic like Sam. Can the brothers and Lizzie work through their problems? Or will they lose everything?

Bamby’s Masterlist

The Hart Masterlist

The Hart II: Highway Masterlist

Part Ninteen: Just Sleeping

Warnings: Normal stuff. Some angst, bit of violence.

Bamby

SPOV

I sat at a bar, Long Train Running by the Doobie Brothers played in the background as I looked down at the half full glass of whiskey in front of me. I tilted the glass back and forward, in deep thought. All the hope I'd had the last few months seemed to have come to an end.

Dean's time was coming closer and I didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't know how to save him.

"There you are." Speak of the devil. I turned to see Dean walking up to me, worried. "What are you doing?" he asked.

I gave a simply shrug. "Having a drink."

"It's two in the afternoon. You're drinking whiskey?"

"I drink whiskey all the time."

"No, you don't," he argued.

"What's the big deal? You get sloppy in bars, you hit on chicks all the time," I noted. "Why can't I?"

He took a look around at the bar, noticing the older waitress and another woman, neither of which either of us would be interested. "It's kind of slim pickings around here." He turned back to me. "Liz and I have been looking all over for you. What's going on with you?"

Shaking my head, I didn't say anything right away as I looked down at my glass for moment or two before speaking again. "I tried, Dean."

"To do what?" Dean asked, clearly confused.

"To save you."

Sighing, Dean took a seat next to me as he nodded to the bartender. "Can I get a whiskey? Double, neat."

I shook my head at him again. "I'm serious, Dean."

"No, you're drunk."

"I mean, where you're going... what you're gonna become." I felt my eyes begin to water. Scoffing to hide my emotions, I went on. "I can't stop it." Looking down at my drink I admitted something I'd been trying to deny for a while now. "I'm starting to think maybe even Ruby can't stop it. But really, the thing is, no one can save you."

He shrugged. "What I've been telling you."

I looked to him again. "No, that's not what I mean. I mean, no one can save you, because you don't wanna be saved. I mean, how can you care so little about yourself?" When Dean scoffed and smiled, I sighed, getting agitated. "What's wrong with you?"

Before Dean could answer his phone started to ring. Answering it, he didn't hesitate to talk. "It's fine, Liz, I found-" He stopped, frowning as he began to stand up, something clearly wrong. "Liz, slow down. What's wrong?" There was another pause. His eyes locked on to mine as he spoke again. "Pack up the room. We'll be there in less than ten minutes," he told her before hanging up. "Liz just got a call from a hospital. Something's wrong with Bobby."

That's all he had to say. I was suddenly sober as I got up and we headed for the exit. Bobby was family. It didn't matter where the hospital was, if there was something wrong we'd be there.

EPOV

I stood next to Bobby's bed, looking down at his sleeping form. His unmoving, un-waking form. Everything I was feeling in that moment... I hadn't been that scared in years. Bobby was the only father figure I'd ever really had, he wasn't just my surrogate father, he was my father. Losing him... I'd never be the same.

"So, what's the diagnosis?" Sam asked from where he and Dean stood at the end of the bed, looking to the doctor.

The doctor shook his head. "We've tested everything we can think to test. He seems perfectly healthy."

"Except that he's comatose," Dean noted, a tone in his voice that told me how worried he was. Bobby meant as much to Sam and Dean as he did to me.

The doctor turned to me. "Miss Snyderson, you're his emergency contact. Anything we should know? Any illnesses?"

"No, he-he..." I found it hard to speak, feeling my throat get tight as I tried not to cry. "He n-n-never gets sick."

"He doesn't even catch cold," Dean added as he came over to wrap an arm around my waist comfortingly.

Sam looked over at me and then at Bobby before turning to the doctor again. "Doctor, is there anything you can do?"

"Look, I'm sorry, but we don't know what's causing it... so we don't know how to treat it. He just... went to sleep, and didn't wake up."

DPOV

Sam and I walked into Bobby's hotel room. We'd left Liz back at the hospital. She hadn't wanted to leave Bobby's side. Honestly, none of us had wanted to leave him, but we all knew the only way to figure out how to help him is to figure out what happened to him, and the only way to figure that out is to go digging.

"So, what was Bobby doing in Pittsburgh?" Sam asked.

I shrugged. "Unless he's taking an extremely lame vacation..." Closing the door behind me, I moved to stand in the middle of the room with Sam.

"I mean, he must have been working a job, right?"

"Well, you think there'd be some sort of sign of something, you know?" I noted as I headed over to the chest of drawers. Sam was right behind me, but as we opened a drawer up each, we found they were empty. In fact, the whole room was spotless. "Research, news clippings. Or a frigging pizza box or a beer can."

Sam stepped away from the dresser and over to the wardrobe, I watched as he opened the door and found some clothes hanging up. Pushing them aside, he nodded, having found something.

"How 'bout this?" He flicked on the wardrobe light.

As I moved over to check it out we found that the inside wall was covered in newspaper clippings, maps and pictures. The pictures were of roots, mushrooms and seeds. A map had to word 'Pittsburgh' written in big letters and underlined- I recognised Bobby's handwriting. There were post-it's with addresses and numbers. There was all the information a hunter might need.

I chuckled lightly. "Good old Bobby, always covering up his tracks."

"You make heads or tails of any of this?"

Reaching forward, I took one of the papers about plants and began to read. "'Silene capensis', which of course means absolutely nothing to me."

"Here." Sam grabbed a newspaper clipping. "Obit. 'Dr. Walter Gregg, 64, university neurologist'."

"How'd he bite it?"

"Um... actually, they don't know. They say he just went to sleep and didn't wake up."

I took the clipping from him and read it, seeing a lot of similarities. "That sound familiar to you?"

"All right, um... so, let's say Bobby was looking into the doc's death. You know, hunting after something-"

I cut him off, "That started hunting him."

He nodded. "Yeah."

"All right, stay here. See if you can make heads or tails of this." I gestured to the closet. "I know at least one person who might be able to answer some of our questions."

"Lizzie," he noted. "But what are you gonna do?"

Turning away from him, I started for the door. "I'm gonna look into the good doctor myself." I called over my shoulder as I left.

...

Walking into Dr Gregg's office, I found books and boxes cluttered all over the room. It was clear everything of his was already being removed despite the fact he only passed away recently. I found it a little insensitive but at the same time didn't really care.

"So you're Dr Gregg's lab assistant?" I asked Miss Sanders as she followed me into the room.

She gave a short nod. "That's right."

"Well, his death must have come as a shock to you," I noted, moving to his desk.

"Yeah, it did. But, still, go in your sleep, peaceful... that's what you wish for, right?"

"Yeah. Right." I grabbed a book from the desk, taking a look at it. "Dr Gregg uh... studied sleeping disorders? Dreams?" I asked, showing her the book.

Her face changed, going from polite to uneasy. "I don't understand. I went over all of this with the other detective."

I looked to her curiously as I put the book back down on the desk. "You already spoke to another detective?"

"Yes. A very nice older man with a beard."

"Well, I'd love to hear it again if you don't mind."

"Thing is, I'm sort of busy. Maybe we could do this later?"

It was obvious that she was trying to dodge me and my questions. But I wasn't letting her go that easily. "Sure. Yeah. Just bring you down to the station later this afternoon," her face fell as I went on, "and get your statement on tape, do it all official-like."

"Look, okay, I didn't know about Dr Gregg's experiments. Not until I was cleaning out his files."

"His experiments, uh...? The ones he was conducting on... sleeping?"

"No one knew, okay? Not the university, not anybody. I already spoke with a lawyer and he told me I can't be held liable for anything."

"Maybe you couldn't, but that was before the new evidence came to light," I lied through my teeth.

She suddenly looked more nervous. "New evidence?"

"Mm-hm."

"What new evidence?"

I thought of a quick answer. "I'm not at liberty to say."

She gave a sigh, clearly annoyed by the whole situation. "Look, I'm just a grad student. This was a gig to cover tuition."

"Maybe so. But, uh, still, this- this..." I gestured around the room. "This could go on your permanent record. Unless you hand over the doctor's research to me. All of it."

SPOV

I walked into Bobby's hospital room, finding Lizzie sitting next to him, holding his hand as she looked out the window deep in thought. I wasn't really sure how the two met, but it was clear they meant a lot to each other. She was his emergency contact, that meant something.

Clearing my throat, I got her attention. "Hey." I offered her a smile as she turned to me.

"Hey." She gave a small, half smile that didn't reach her eyes. "What did you guys find?"

I knew Lizzie enough to know that she didn't like beating around the bush. If I was here for help, she'd want me to get to it. So I did.

Walking over to stand by her, I offered some of the research I'd brought along. "I was wondering if you could help me with Silene cap-"

She cut me off, looking at the papers. "Silene capensis? It's an African Dream Root. I haven't seen the stuff in years. It's rare, expensive, and powerful."

Listening and watching Lizzie, there was a second there where I understood how Dean felt... Lizzie did seem to know a lot. At least she seemed to know a little about a lot of things. Either way, she usually had some helpful information, just like now.

"African Dream Root?" I asked, hoping she'd go into detail- she did.

"It's a plant you digest and gives you abilities in dreams. You can make bad dreams good, and vise versa. It may not seem so bad, but it's dangerous. If Bobby was researching a case involving the stuff..." She shook her head, looking up at me. "It's not good."

DPOV

Still dressed as a detective- only now for the Pittsburgh police department- I showed my badge to Jeremy Frost, one of Dr Gregg's patience.

He moved out of the way so I could step into his apartment. "Look, I don't know what the RA said, but, ah, I was growing ferns."

I chuckled lightly, walking in to stand in the middle of the room. "Take it easy, Phish, that's not why I'm here."

"Really?" he asked, when I turned to give him a reassuring nod he relaxed a little. "Oh, thank God. Okay."

"I wanna talk to you about Dr Gregg's sleep study."

"Yeah. Dr Gregg just died, right?"

"You were one of his test subjects, right?"

"Yeah." He turned and opened his fridge, pulling out two beers and offered me one. "Unless you're on duty or, whatever?"

I looked to the offered drink for a moment or two before making my mind up and taking it. "I guess I can make an exception."

Taking the bottle, I opened and brought it to my lips, enjoying the cool and refreshing taste. If Sam had been here he would have stopped me. If Liz had been here she would have shaken her head and grinned at me. But I was on my own, and I was gonna do whatever I wanted.

After another moment, I turned back to Jeremy, getting on with the interview. "Now, Dr Gregg was testing treatments for a, uh, 'Charcot-Wilbrand syndrome'? Which means...?"

"Um... I, uh... I can't dream." When I looked surprised, Jeremy went on. "I had this bike accident when I was a kid and banged my head pretty good and I haven't had a dream since. Till the study. You know. Sort of."

"What'd the doc give you?"

"It's this yellow tea. It... it smelled awful, tasted worse."

"What did it do? "

"Just passed right out. And uh, I had the most vivid, super-intense dream. Like a bad acid trip, you know?"

"Totally." Remembering that I was meant to be a cop, I corrected myself and go back into character. "I mean, no."

"That was it. I dropped out of the study right after that. I didn't... like it. To tell you the truth... it kind of scared me."

SPOV

"How is he?"

I looked over to see Dean walking into Bobby's room. "No change," I answered.

Dean looked around, confused. "Where's Liz?"

"I convinced her to go get some food. Thought it would do her some good."

He nodded, seeming to agree. "So, what you got?" he asked, moving over to me.

He'd called me on his way to the hospital and filled me in on everything he found out about Dr Gregg and the experiments he doctor was performing. During the conversation, we also agreed it would be best to keep the fact the doctor was dead from Lizzie. She wasn't dealing with Bobby's condition as well as Dean and I were. If she thought Bobby was in more danger than she already suspected, it wasn't going to help.

Getting straight to it, I began to tell him everything Lizzie and I learnt. "Well, considering what you told me about the doc's experiments..." I sighed, "Bobby's wall is starting to make a hell of a lot more sense."

"How so?"

I held up a picture of the Silene capensis plant. "This plant, Silene capensis, is also known as African Dream Root. It's been used by shaman and medicine men for centuries."

"Let me guess. They dose up, bust out the didgeridoos, start kicking around the hackey."

"Not quite. If you believe the legends, it's used for dream walking. I mean, entering another person's dreams, poking around in their heads."

"I take it we believe the legends"

We shared a look before I answered, "When don't we?" Never, by the way. We always believe them. "But dream walking is just the tip of the iceberg."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, this Dream Root is some serious mojo. You take enough of it, with practice, you can become a regular Freddy Krueger. You can control anything. You could turn bad dreams good, you could turn good dreams bad."

"And killing people in their sleep?"

I gave a short nod. "For example. So let's say uh, let's say this doc was testing this stuff on his patients, Tim Leary-style."

"Somebody gets pissed at him, decides to give him a little dream visit, he goes nighty-night."

"But what about Bobby?" I asked, looking over at Bobby as he 'slept' in the bed nearby. "I mean, if the killer came after him, how come he's still alive?"

Dean shook his head. "I don't know."

DPOV

Walking out of Bobby's room, we started for the vending machines, hoping to find Liz on the way.

"So how do we find our homicidal sandman?" I asked.

Sam shrugged. "Could be anyone."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Anyone who knew the doctor, had access to his dream shrooms."

"Maybe one of his test subjects or something?" Sam suggested.

"Possible. But his research was pretty sketchy. I mean... I don't know how many subjects he had, or who all of them were." When Sam scoffed I looked at him confused. "What?"

He gave a loud sigh. "In any other case, we'd be calling Bobby and asking him for help right now."

An idea occurred to me then, causing me to stop in my tracks. I grabbed Sam and stopped him too. "You know what? You're right."

It was his turn to look confused. "What?"

"Let's go talk to him."

Now he looked even more confused. "Sure. I think we might find the conversation a bit one-sided."

"Not if we're tripping on some Dream Root."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"You wanna go dream walking inside Bobby's head?"

I gave a simple shrug. "Yeah. Why not? Maybe we could help."

"We have no idea what's crawling around in there."

"Well how bad could it be?"

"Bad."

"Dude, it's Bobby."

He considered it for a moment before giving a short nod. "Yeah, you're right." He hesitated as if realising something. "One problem though. We're fresh out of African Dream Root, so unless you know someone who can score some..."

One name came to my mind then. "Crap."

"What?"

"Bela."

"Bela?" He looked confused again before his face fell as he understood. "Crap. You're actually suggesting we ask her a favour?"

"I'm feeling dirty just thinking about it, but yeah," I noted before I started walking down the hall again to find Liz.

EPOV

I sat on the couch in Bobby's hotel room. Dean sat across from me, his hand absentmindedly massaging my ankle as my feet rested in his lap, while his were stretched out onto the bed across from us. We were going through some information on the Dream Root.

On the other side of the room was Sam, who'd fallen asleep at the desk and was now drooling as he moaned and mumbled. He was enjoying himself, whatever the dream may be about.

"Hey." Dean's hand moved to my calf. So maybe it hadn't been an absentminded massage... "You got anything?"

Sighing, I shook my head as I reached down and put the papers on the floor. "Nothing I didn't already know."

"Maybe we need a break." He grinned, moving to place his papers down as well, his other hand slowly running further up my leg. His intentions were blatantly obvious.

"I'm not having sex with you in Bobby's hotel room, with Sam right at the desk. It's weird."

Dean gave a slight shrug. "He's fast asleep. We'll be quite."

"When are we ever quiet?" I couldn't keep myself from grinning back. "You're always trying to make me moan."

"And scream." He shifted so his knee was on the couch as he started to move himself on top of me. "Screams from you are rare. Makes me feel good."

"Sex makes you feel good," I noted with a raised eyebrow. "And don't think for a second that this," I gestured between us, "is happening. We're still in Bobby's room, and Sam is still-"

His hand slid to the inside of my thigh, mere inches from my underwear. Heat was radiating off both of us as I fell silent and closed my eyes, forgetting why I didn't want anything to happen.

All thoughts were focused on everything Dean was doing as he massaged my inner thigh, fingers inching closer and closer to my underwear. All I could think about is how much I wanted him to do more. I needed more. Sex was a great way to relieve stress, and lately we'd all been stressing out…

I let out a gentle sigh as he leaned closer and pressed a kiss to my neck. He was hovering over me now, his own body heat pressing against me as his hand moving closer and closer...

A moan from Sam brought me back to reality.

My eyes snapped opened just as Dean pulled away and looked over at his brother with a groan. "Son of a..." Looking at me again, Dean knew there was no way anything that might have happened would happen now.

I reached over and pressed a quick kiss to his lips before pulling back quickly. "After we fix Bobby and everything, we'll do whatever you want."

His eyes went wide, surprised and excited. "Really?"

I laughed lightly, nodding. "Really."

With a smug smile, he pulled away and got back onto his spot before looking over to his brother. "Sam, wake up!"

It took a moment before Sam woke and sat up, wiping the drool off his face. Both Dean and I chuckled at the sight as we got back to research. It was as if the sexual heat that had been pressing on me moments ago, hadn't been here at all.

Dean grinned. "Dude, you were out. And making some serious happy noises. Who were you dreaming about?"

"What? No one. Nothing," Sam answered a little too quickly.

"C'mon, you can tell me. Angelina Jolie?"

"No."

"Brad Pitt?" Dean asked, earning a gentle nudge from my foot as it rested in his lap again.

Sam turned around, almost looking at Dean and I as he snapped. "No. No! Dude, it doesn't matter."

"Whatever." Dean shrugged. "Liz called Bela."

It took a moment or two before Sam awkwardly responded. "Bela? Yeah? She- what'd she... You know, say? She... gonna... help us?"

"No. Which isn't much of a surprise," I sighed.

"That puts us back to square one," Dean added. "We've been trying to decipher the doctor's notes. Unfortunately, he has worse handwriting than you do." When Sam stayed where he was and said nothing more, Dean looked over at him again. "You gonna come help with this stuff? "

Sam shifted, stretching a little. "Yeah, yeah. Just give me a sec."

Is it just me, or is Sam being... odd? I watched him, wondering why he was acting a little strange. Was it about the dream he'd been having? Or had he heard Dean and me?

A knock on the door pulled my attention away from the youngest Winchester.

"I got it." Taking my feet off Dean's lap, I moved to answer the door. Before opening completely, I looked through the crack and sighed. "Bela." Letting her in, I watched as she moved to stand in the middle of the room and turn to me.

"You called me. Remember?"

"I remember you turning me down."

She grinned. "When have I ever turned you down."

Without a word, Dean got up and moved to stand next to me. I couldn't help but feel a little bit of jealousy and protectiveness coming from him.

From over at the desk, Sam spoke up. "Hey, Bela. What's going on?" He gave her a little wave.

Dean and I looked to him, confused for a moment, before we both turned back to Bela, waiting expectantly.

"I brought you your African Dream Root." Reaching into her handbag, she pulled out a jar of the stuff and handed it to me. "Nasty stuff, and not easy to come by," she noted as she began to take off her coat.

"We know," I told her as I handed Dean the jar.

He took the jar, looking at the contents before asking, "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"What? I can't do you a little favour every now and again?"

"No. You can't," Dean and I answered at the same time.

A smile formed on her lips as she looked from me, to Dean and then back. "Aren't you two adorable?"

Dean ignored her comment, pressing for a genuine answer. "Come on, I wanna know what the strings are before you attach them."

"You said this was for Bobby Singer, right?" When I gave a nod, she went on. "Well, I'm doing it for him. Not you."

I frowned. "Bobby? Why?"

"He saved my life once," she answered. "In Flagstaff."

"Why don't I know about this?"

She sighed at my question. "I screwed up and he saved me. I begged him not to tell you. It would be too embarrassing, and that was back when I cared about what you thought of me, okay? Are you satisfied?"

"Maybe." Dean shrugged, walking past her and towards the wardrobe where a safe sat.

She watched him, changing the subject. "So when do we go on this little magical mystery tour?"

"Oh, you're not going anywhere. I don't trust you enough to let you in my car, much less Bobby's head. No offence," Dean told her as he placed the jar in the safe where the Colt sat.

Bela sighed. "None taken." She waited until Dean finished with the safe before she turned to me expectantly. When all I did was shrug, she sighed again. "It's 2 am. Where am I supposed to go?"

"Get a room," Dean suggested with a short grin. "Ah, they got the Magic Fingers, a little Casa Erotica on pay-per-view. You'll love it."

"You-" Shaking her head, she grabbed the coat and handbag, storming to the door.

Sam jumped out of his seat, calling out to her as she left. "Nice to- Seeing you-" He was cut off as she slammed the door, ignoring him. "Bela," he finished with a sigh.

One again, Dean and I looked at him confused.

...

Sitting next to Dean on one of the beds, I watched as he grabbed two cups from Sam who had just finished making the three of us some tea out of the Dream root.

"Here." Dean handed me one of the cups.

I offered him a quick smile. "Thanks."

Turning to Sam just as he sat down, Dean looked down at the yellowish-brown mud-like looking drink. "Uh, should we dim the lights and synch up Wizard of Oz to Dark Side of the Moon?" He grinned.

"Why?" Sam asked, clearly clueless as to what Dean was going on about. I couldn't help but chuckle a little.

Dean looked genuinely disappointed. "What did you do during college?"

When Sam just looked at Dean as if to say, 'huh', Dean shook his head before moving to take a drink.

"Wait!" I lifted my hand to stop him, putting my hand in between his cup and lips- which ended in his lips lightly pressing against my hand.

Pulling back- a smug look in his eyes- Dean looked over at me. "What?"

"Here." I pulled a small envelope from one of my leather jacket's pockets. Reaching a few fingers inside, I pulled out some hair and moved to sprinkle a little in each of our drinks. "It's Bobby's hair. " I answered their questioning looks. "In order to control whose dream you're entering, you gotta drink some of their body."

Dean looked down at his drink as the hair floated on top. "Well, guess the hair of the dog is better than other parts of the body." Giving a light shrug, he lifted his cup in somewhat of a toast. "Bottoms up."

Sam did not look ready for this. "Yeah. "

The three of us clinked our glasses together before we downed the liquid as quickly as we could.

It tasted awful. I mean, I have never ever had anything like that. It was as if I was eating an old, mouldy sock, that had been stewing in a pot of sweat, dirt and ass. Just a whole lot of ass. There were also indistinguishable flavours, but they were the worst and I was trying really hard not to think about them.

…

After lowering his cup and waiting a moment or two, Dean spoke. "Feel anything?"

"No." Sam shook his head and looked to me. "You feel anything?"

"Nope," I sighed.

Dean lifted his cup, looking at the remaining contents which consisted of a few drops or so. "Maybe we got some bad shwag."

Thunder in the distance was heard, drawing our attention to the fact that it was now raining...

Sam looked over at the window, confused. "Hey, when did it start raining?"

Dean and I looked over at the window as well. It was Dean who got up to check though. He stood and handed me his cup as he moved to go check outside. But as he pulled the curtain back, what we all saw was extremely odd...

The rain was 'falling' up.

Sam and I stood as Dean turned to us again. "When did it start raining upside down?"

As Dean turned, the room changed. We were no longer in the hotel room, but instead in a dull and dim living room.

Looking around, Dean seemed to be freaking out the most. "Okay, I don't know what's weirder, the fact that we're in Bobby's head... or that he's dreaming of Better Homes and Gardens."

"Guys..." I moved to the wall and ran my hand over the paint. "Imagine the place without the paint job. More cluttered, dusty, books all over the place..."

Both brothers realised what I was getting at, at the same time. "It's Bobby's house."

Smiling lightly, I nodded. "Yeah."

"Bobby?!" Dean called out, walking closer to me.

Sam went the opposite way, moving to the opening of the living room by the stairs. "Bobby?" he whispered. "Guys?" He turned to us, no longer whispering. "I'm gonna go look outside."

Dean shook his head. "No, no, no, stay close."

"Dude, I'll be fine," Sam insisted. "Just, look around in here. Look, we gotta find him."

Seeing that his brother wasn't going to listen, Dean didn't bother arguing. "Don't do anything stupid."

With a simple nod from Sam, he walked out the front door. A moment or two later he closed the door behind him.

SPOV

After I stepped out into the porch, I was more confused than ever. Instead of a dark a dreary junk yard, the yard in front of me was bright, colourful and lively. The sun was shining, birds singing, colourful flowers in the garden. It was a technicolour, white picket fence cliché.

Behind me, the door suddenly slammed shut.

I turned and tried to open it, but it wouldn't budge. "Dean!" Walking to the window, I looked in to see Lizzie and Dean still in the living room. "Lizzie!"

Try as I might, they couldn't hear me yelling. They couldn't even hear me banging my fist on the wall.

Great...

EPOV

"Stay close," Dean told me as he grabbed the handles of the kitchen doors before sliding them open.

The whole house seemed so... normal. Clean, painted, furnished. It was as if a real family. Like ordinary people lived here. Bobby's place now was a bit of a mess- a huge mess if I'm being honest. But it was him, and I loved it. Walking in this home... I did not feel right at all.

Dean moved through the kitchen and towards the hallway on the other side. I was a step or two behind him, watching our surroundings closely. Since appearing in Bobby's dream, I hadn't been able to shake the feeling that we were being watched.

"Bobby?" Dean called in a hushed voice as he walked into the hallway and turned to me. He gestured for me to come closer, a look in his eyes telling me he was on edge as well. "Bobby!"

"Who's out there?" The voice was faint, and scared, but it was Bobby's.

We both turned to the door closest to us. The hallway closet door. I step closer to it, running my fingers over the many scratches running along the wood. It looked as if someone had made these marks with their nails.

Resting his ear against the door as he reached for the doorknob, Dean spoke. "Bobby, you in there?"

"Dean?"

"Yeah. It's me, Liz too. Open up."

Bobby opened the door and looked slightly relieved for a moment before he looked over our shoulders. He was quite clearly terrified. "How in the hell did you find me?"

"Sam, Liz and I got our hands on some of that Dream Root stuff," Dean answered.

Bobby looked confused. "Dream Root? What?"

"Dr Gregg, the experiments?" Dean tried to remind him.

Bobby threw him a glance. "What the hell are you talking about?" Before Dean or I could answer, the lights began to flicker. "Hurry." He grabbed my arm and rushed for the closet again.

Dean grabbed Bobby and stopped him quickly. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?"

"She's coming." Was all Bobby said, in his scared and shaking voice.

I rested my hand on Bobby's. "This is a dream, Bobby. You know that, right?"

"What are you, crazy?"

"It's a dream, Bobby! None of this is real!" Dean snapped.

But as he spoke, a door opened behind him. My eyes went wide as I watched a woman dressed in white with blood on her chest, walked into the hallway. It took a moment or two, but I recognised her from some photos I'd seen before... it was Mrs Singer, Bobby's wife.

Bobby pointed over Dean's shoulder and to his wife. "Does that look made-up?"

As the three of us looked to the woman who was slowly stepping closer and closer, the closet door slammed shut behind us. Bobby turned and tried to open it again, but there was no use, it wouldn't budge.

Knowing there was no exit, Dean turned to the woman, needing to know what we were dealing with. "Bobby, who is that?"

Bobby's voice shook more as he answered, leaning against the door as much as he could. "She's... she's my wife."

DPOV

"Go." I grabbed Liz's arm and pulled her towards the kitchen. "Go!" Both Bobby and Liz moved for the kitchen as I backed up, keeping an eye on Mrs Singer. My priority at that moment was to keep Bobby and Liz alive. "Get to the living room," I told them.

Turning, I moved to rush as well. Reaching the doors of the living room just as Mrs Singer spoke.

"Why Bobby?" she asked, causing Bobby to pause and turned to her. "Why did you do this to me?"

"I'd rather died myself than hurt you," Bobby assured her.

"But you did hurt me. You shoved that knife into me. Again, and again. You watched me bleed. Watched me die."

Moving closer to Bobby, I grabbed a hold of his arm. "Bobby, she's not real."

"How could you?" Mrs Singer continued.

Bobby was close to crying as he shook his head at his wife. "You were possessed, baby. You were rabid. And I didn't know what I know now. I didn't know how to save you."

"You're lying. You wanted me dead! If you'd loved me," she was yelling now, getting more and more worked up, "you would've found a way!"

A small sob escaped Bobby. "I'm sorry."

"Come on!" Being more forceful as I grabbed him this time, I pulled Bobby into the living room.

Mrs Singer screamed as she started for the doors, but just as she was about to reach them, Liz lifted her arms and closed the doors with her mind.

...

Liz was still keeping the doors closed, but I could see it was taking a toll on her, which is why I was now leaning on the doors trying to help her keep them shut. Bobby on the other hand was still very clearly scared and unable to do anything as his wife continued to scream on the other side.

"I'm telling you, all of it. Your house, your wife, it's a nightmare!" I tried to get it through his head.

"I killed her," Bobby cried.

Sighing, I moved away from the doors in the hopes that Liz could handle it as I grabbed Bobby's shoulders. "Bobby! This is your dream. And you can wake up. I mean, hell, you can do anything."

"Just leave me alone. Let her kill me already."

"Look at me." I shook him. "You gotta snap out of this now! You're not gonna die. I'm not gonna let you die. You're like a father to me. You gotta believe me, please."

Bobby hesitated a moment, looking from me, to the door, to Liz and then back. "I'm dreaming?"

"Yes!" I snapped. "Now take control of it."

Turning to the door, Bobby closed his eyes tightly as if he were thinking hard, and suddenly, the banging and screaming stopped.

Liz didn't move at first, still holding the door until I let go of Bobby and moved to open them. Sliding the doors open I cautiously looked out, ready for Mrs Singer to jump out at any moment.

But she didn't. She was no longer there. Instead, all I found was Bobby's empty kitchen.

"I don't believe it." Bobby was completely shocked.

I turned around, breathing heavily, slightly out of breath. "Believe it. Now would you please wake up?"

SPOV

Walking around Bobby's garden, I came across the clothesline where clean, white sheets were hanging. The whole place was surreal. It was all so clean, and bright and oddly perfect. It felt more wrong than Bobby's dull living room had felt.

As I turned, I wasn't prepared to see a guy standing there. I also wasn't prepared for him to hit me with a baseball bat. I fell to the ground, holding my shoulder, groaning in pain as I looked up at him standing over me.

"Who are you?"

"Who are you?" he asked back, oddly clam. "You don't belong here."

"You're one to talk. You're in my friend's head."

"You got a poor choice in friends. This is self-defence. He came after me. He wanted to hurt me."

"That may be because you're a killer," I countered.

"You should be nicer to me. In here... you're just an insect. I'm a god." The guy lifted the baseball bat, aiming at my head. "Sweet dreams."

I lifted my arm, flinching, waiting for the hit as the bat began to come down hard and fast...

Bamby

[sebastianxainsworth]

Redemption // self para

Sebastian pushed open the door with a loud ominous creak, an action he’s managed to do dozens of times in the past for various occasions. This, however, was under different circumstances. The first time in three months he and Ryan left the city and longer since...

The last time Seb stepped foot in the penthouse office of the Ainsworth tower was the day he sent Theon tumbling through the window. The glass had long since been replaced by a brand new sheet, the blood cleaned extensively, and the desk itself vacated other than the current residence of Wayne. Thankfully, the man was gone for the night, leaving the rest of the tower for the youngest Ainsworth to explore old stomping grounds and simply wait.

Sebastian couldn’t understand what possessed him to make contact with Madyson and he wouldn’t expect her to come, not after their first and last meeting. Who would dare grant the wish of a deranged man who held a letter opener to her throat? Would she be forgiving or leave him without answer as he dealt with his demons alone out of spite within her anger? Sebastian didn’t feel right having the discussion over the phone or through text messages despite how easy it would be, not when it was this significant.

Seb moved across the threshold, his steps echoing through the silent din as he reached the large oak desk his brother and father sat at before him. Its twin matched the same one back at the mansion, but there was something incredibly royal and intimidating about this one. The deals that crossed its shiny surface, the conversations and secrets dwelling within the wood like an imprint. He never considered it in such a way, but the desk became witness to the company he desired to take the mantle of. His hand glided along the top, fingers barely glancing over the small antique knick-knacks lining the edge. It was difficult to imagine Theon sentimental about the little things, then again, he hardly knew his brother at all.

Madyson watched the man from the door frame for a long moment as she observed his quiet reaction to what should have been an ordinary office, but now she must have known was the sight of a former murder scene. The thought sent chills down her spine, the same factoring into her hesitation from coming here from the start, however, her previous words reminded Mady why she did this for a living. Was this Sebastian asking for help finding his way again? “Doctor Beckett?” The formal title shot through her thoughts like a hot knife and immediately caused the blonde’s posture to straighten as she stepped into the space. “You were having a moment. I didn’t want to interrupt you.”

“You weren’t. Preferred if you did anyway.” Sebastian moved his hand from the desk to the wheeled leather chair, gently swiveling it back and forth, “I, um, I just,”

“You just wanted to talk?” Mady filled in the blanks with a slow nod, “As long as you promise to refrain threatening me with a knife, I clearly see you’re in desperate need of someone to talk to.” She made herself at home in one of the chairs in front of the desk and dropped her bag at her feet, pushing aside the weird sensation looking at the window behind him. “Consider me a listening sound board.”

She was being too nice. Too understanding. It made this all the more worse. “About that, I need to apologize. You came to the house with nothing but an open heart and willingness that night and I pulled you into something you shouldn’t have been in.” Something Seb was involving her in a second time around, the man realized, as he responded quietly, “I’m sorry, Madyson.”

“I was never angry at you for that, Sebastian. You were fresh off of doing, you know, what you did and Ryan was under medical treatment the last I remembered from that session.” If she could call it a session. Mady placed her hands in her lap and looked down, “You weren’t the first of my patients to threaten my safety.” She repeated, “I’m not angry.”

“You should be. I went full psycho.” Seb’s fingers squeezed the chair’s back, “After what happened with my brother, I was,” Crazy? Delusional? Or maybe in deep enough to know what power felt like when he took it in his own two hands? Sebastian possessed power before, that came with the last name and family reputation, but he just didn’t know how to use it. That learning experience died with his brother. “I was just on this high. I thought I could do what I wanted, where I wanted, to who I wanted without consequences.”

Madyson pressed her lips tightly together, gathering her thoughts cautiously and carefully. There is always more to the story. “Apologizing wasn’t the only thing this was about, was it?” She responded quietly.

“No.” Seb’s equally soft response came as he pulled the chair back and slid into it with a low squeak. “I enjoyed it. Killing Theon, I enjoyed it and I can’t pretend I’m able to separate who I am between who he and my father were. I tried denying it with myself, with Benji, and I can’t.” Saying Theon’s name triggered an apparition he could see from the corner of his eye, forcing Sebastian to glance behind Madyson and spot a vision of his brother lifting his dark gaze to the ceiling in an eyeroll. The moment lasted longer than it should have and more often than the man would confess to.

The woman turned her head to see exactly what he was staring at, finding nothing but an empty door. Like he saw something she couldn’t quite see with her own eyes. Oh, no, this was an all too familiar sign. While Mady hated making assumptions, his history gave her one significant conclusion. “Sebastian,” She turned to face him with a sympathetic expression, “Do you mind describing to me what you’re seeing? Who you’re seeing?”

“Theon.” Seb groaned, leaning forward and placing his head in the palms of his hands, “They’re just flashes. Sometimes, I’ll have full-on conversations with him like he was actually in the room and I know it makes me sound like I’m fucking crazy. I’m not. I killed the fucker and I expected him to stay dead.” He lifted his head slowly, “You said I lost my way before, Doctor Beckett, but I obviously lost my goddamn mind too. The world already took away everyone I ever cared about, so what’s my sanity?” The Ainsworth patriarch released a second groan, “I lost Ryan, Doctor. I lost what was left of my family by my own decision-making and my best friend can’t handle a single second standing in the same room with me. This city, three months later, still thinks I attacked Newford. And the worst part, Madyson, I deserve this. I deserve every second of it.”

Mady stuck by her original diagnosis. The nature versus nurture theory became invalid when Sebastian’s case proved environment and biology were key factors in his deteriorating mental stability. He was now having hallucinations no one else apart from her knew about, lacking sleep, and it’s obvious he let go of his hygiene judging from the growing beard. “I cannot condone what you’ve done in your past, Sebastian, and yes, perhaps karma has caught up to you, but I don’t think you attacked Mr. Vincent. There’s always going to be doubts and theories and no one can say for certain what really happened. I just need you to know you’re still worth saving.”

“You don’t give up, do you? Never met anyone so damn relentless.” Seb’s lips quirked in a weak smile that was quick to leave, “You’re going to really waste a lifetime’s worth of years better spent on helping other people more deserving than me.”

“Perhaps, but I know I can help you. It’s not about what you do and don’t deserve, Mr. Ainsworth.” Madyson leaned forward thoughtfully as she permitted the silence to grow. Was she absolutely bonkers coming here and chatting with him? Or did the true insanity lay with the decision she considered? “This is typically the part where I prescribe you medicine for the visions, but this goes far deeper than your mind, Sebastian. You think you have no one here that cares for you, well, I’m disagreeing. You have me. So,” She sighed. This was it. “If you consent, we need weekly sessions. No more of these...spontaneous talks in the dead of night. Real, one hundred percent sessions, dedicated in my office.”

Okay, now, this was not what he anticipated. Going in with the apology and coming out with an official therapist jarred Sebastian. Therapy was scoffed at in his family, if you were having strong emotions and needing a conversation to speak of them, you locked that shit away. “Wait, you would do that for me?” The relief splashing along Seb’s expression lit a spark of overwhelming hope long lost in St. Cascadia. That’s what the city did, took away any shred of wishful hoping until you no longer knew how it felt. “Yeah, I mean, I want to. I need to.” Ah, then came the awkward and extremely uncomfortable thought. “What about Detective Hardass? He hates the factions, he hates the leaders, but he’s really gunning for me nowadays. He won’t like you and me doing,” The male waved a hand between the two of them for indication. “This.”

“No, he won’t.” And that’s what she was always fretting about in the back of her mind even on her way to the tower. It hadn’t flown over well with Derek when she talked to Morrigan and she was sure he’d nearly blown a gasket after she told him about the first very violent talk with Sebastian. Madyson was a grown woman with a job she loved and she can’t do it properly if she wasn’t helping everyone. “You let me worry about Derek. Besides, I still have doctor-patient confidentiality. I can’t tell him who I’m treating unless given special permission.”

“Tell him.” Sebastian granted without hesitation, threading his fingers together. “I’m not going to be responsible for ruining a relationship based on keeping secrets.” He knew what concealing the truth could do to any relationship. Lying about the nightmares and hallucinations or even hiding how deeply satisfying watching a man tumble through a window from Ryan, from himself, pushed away his wife. What she thinks he did to her brother may have been the real cause, but letting the cat out of the bag on his dwindling mental state would mean losing her entirely. Forever.

This was a dangerous game potentially playing with her life. Sebastian wasn’t a apart of her faction, in fact, she knew the gossip whispered about her helping the same man everyone believed had attacked Newford could have been considered career-ending, but it was downright scandalous. Speaking with a faction leader wasn’t taboo, becoming the therapist to one surrounded by controversy and heartache to her home is. Drake Vincent still hadn’t awaken and where was she? Supporting the man responsible, not the family.

Mady rose from her seat and glided forward, “I need to make myself extremely clear here, Sebastian, and I’m only going to say this once. If I feel any backlash from these sessions endangers my well-being or that of anyone I care about greatly, I won’t hesitate putting an end to it. I know what I’m getting myself into, who you are, your reputation. I may be willing to help you and foolishly,” Madyson pressed her palms to the surface of the desk and leaned forward slightly. Almost...threateningly. “But I will not tolerate the physical violence. Shout and scream as you wish, I can handle it, but no more letter openers. No more fists.” She heard Sebastian‘s chair squeak as he leaned back, “It won’t be just Derek you’ll have to fret over, it’ll be me. Do you understand?”

“Where’s this Doctor Madyson Beckett been hiding?” Sebastian couldn’t mask the playful amusement lacing his tone. The behavior brought a familiarity to the forefront previously shrouded by depression and self-loathing. Hidden from view, concealed from the light of day with a crippling breaking point that had been so much a part of who Sebastian Ainsworth is. Yet, with the darkness crashing through, he’d rise again. “Yeah. Yes.” Correcting his proper grammar, Seb pushed himself from his seat, “I understand.”

“Good.” Madyson moved to grab her bag before hearing, “If you really want to make this official, it has to be the proper Ainsworth way.” The blonde turned to spot Sebastian’s hand jutted out palm open. Deals were a Davenport trademark, a contract binding the signer or hand shaker, in this case, to a promise. It seems Seb found an affinity towards them just as his brother and father. She had nothing to be nervous for, right? “How impolite of me, good sir.” Mady reached out and took his, the two shaking their connected hands firmly.

“It’s a pleasure doing business with you, Doctor Beckett.” Releasing his grip, the youngest Ainsworth smiled. “And thank you. For everything.” The first deal. The first of many, it would seem.

[an-aura-about-you]

*claps hands together* so it’s probably time for an update on my life for you guys because shit went down

Like, some of it is bad but I can already see good coming from this, so don’t fret too much going below the readmore.

Working at the bakery has proven stressful, to the point that I’ve been making mistake after mistake after mistake. Well-meaning and talented (?) as I am, there’s only so much of that my boss can take because 1.) we’re a bakery and it’s wedding season and 2.) we’re getting ready to reopen the new restaurant that’s been built to replace the one that burned down. So while I’m not off the schedule yet, they are looking for a replacement for me. The time before the meeting left me tense, even as I pretty much knew what was coming. And both sides of this, my managers and myself, are at least going to part on good terms. They were as kind as they could be about the situation, and I completely understand that this is simply a choice they have to make for the business. If it’s not a good fit for me OR for them, then I SHOULDN’T stay.

And since things HAVE been so stressful, stressful to the point of pain, I made an appointment with a therapist and actually had that a couple of hours after the meeting with my managers. We’re already getting on like a house on fire, and it was pretty early in our conversation that she said, “Has anyone ever suggested you might have autism?”

I had been kind of suspecting, but her saying it made me go, “Shit, that makes sense!”

In my case, it kinda got overlooked because my sibling’s situation was much more obvious than my own. In comparison, I was the “normal” kid. Believe me, I’d add more quotation marks around that but I’m pretty sure I’d take up most of the page if I did. Even before my own unofficial diagnosis, I’ve hated the notion that there’s something abnormal about autism when the abnormal thing is how autism is treated by people who aren’t autistic. And my therapist is very much of the same mindset, saying our goal is changing the external conditions of my life so that I can exist in it more comfortably rather than correcting some fictional internal problem. So hell yeah, I’m on board for this!

Along with that, I mentioned my leg, and she’s like, “Okay, not only am I really certain you have autism but that and your bad leg should qualify you for vocational rehab. I’m not a specialist, so I can’t OFFICIALLY diagnose you with autism, but if they want us to prove it by seeing a specialist then that’s what we want anyway.”

So there we go, getting out of a stressful job into a program that’s ideally gonna set me up with a much more comfortable job in every sense of the word.

What does this mean? A few things.

One, I’m probably gonna do some training, which I’m all for. My therapist had suggested I work as an x-ray tech, and honestly? That sounds surprisingly appealing.

Which means two, I’ll most likely get back to a more traditional daytime schedule and work week. I gotta say, constantly having four day weekends sounds nice in theory, but it did kinda leave me in a limbo of, “Do I even have a job?” when I’m away from it for so long without it officially being a vacation. And when you’re on night shift, all the time off hardly feels like you have any simply because there’s almost nothing to do where I live at night. I get the feeling I’ll enjoy having my time off spread out more evenly throughout the week.

And three, possibly the best part of this to me, leaving this job will mean no longer needing to see the bakery’s employee facebook page and I can finally get that awful app off my phone. Goodbye facebook, I will not miss you.

So I think that’s pretty much it! Being nocturnal’s been a kick, but all the same I’m looking forward to joining the world of the waking again.

[jojowritesstuff]

Raya sickfic where she has food poisoning? Maybe an SO or friend taking care of her? I love ur writing so so SO much!! (bonus points for a ton of queasy little burps??)

This is actually not 100% my own writing. It’s a collaborative piece between me and the person who originally created/owns Hazel. Not knowing whether or not they’d be okay with me saying who they are I am going to leave them annonymous.

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Hazel was more than grateful when Raya suggested they’d stay in, she'dstarted pulling shifts at the hospital, now in her second year of med school,and she couldn't remember a time she was more exhausted. Talking over takeoutand cuddling up with a movie was the best possible option. She smiled as shewalked up the steps to her apartment in which Raya had all but officially movedin weeks before. "I'm so sorry I'mlate, there was this woman who wouldn't stop bottoming out on us," shesaid the moment she walked in, still in her scrubs with her stethoscope lacedaround her neck.

 "Don'tworry about it." Raya said, walking over toHazel, pressing a light kiss to her lips."I ordered our food already, it should be here any minute. I picked thefood, you get to choose the movie." Hazel flopped on the couch, herbones practically aching from exhaustion. "Imguessing the documentary on glial cell mutations Harvard just put out isn'tgonna be your top pick?" She teased."Not really." Raya laughed and got up when the doorbell rang. Shesoon returned with a bag of food, setting the containers on the table.

"Hm,that'll be just for me then... this actually looks good," Hazel said, settling on a movie. "Whatdid you order us anyway?" "Italian." Raya announced, handinga container to Hazel. "I thought itwould be a nice change from the usual Chinese. Alfredo for me and somethingwith mozzarella for you." "Ooh, thanks baby," Hazel said,opening it up. "I'm physically tooexhausted to move, come sit on the soft couch," she said teasingly,pulling her girlfriend over to her.

 "Justdon't fall asleep on me too soon," Rayachuckled and started on her food. She noticed it tasting a bit off but figuredit probably was just a different kind of cheese being used. "God, three times in over a year, andsuddenly I get labeled," Hazel teased. "I'm trying my best, don't worry," she said. "Oh hush it was /at least/ fivetimes." Raya quipped. "Thisis great, I think we should order Italian more often. How's your Alfredo?"Hazel asked, stabbing another piece of mozzarella. "I think they are using a new kind of cheese, it tastes a littledifferent than usual." Raya told her, digging her fork back into thefood.

 Once finished, Raya said and got up, putting the empty containers in thetrash. "Now let's cuddle up andwatch a movie" "Mmm, sounds good to me," Hazel hummed,immediately nuzzling into her girlfriend. "Thisis nice. Just a quiet night in." Raya murmured, wrapping an arm aroundHazel. This time it was her being the one to fall asleep halfway into themovie.

  Hazel laughed slightly, seeing her girlfriend sleeping lightly. She pulledher in closer and started to doze herself. The movie was already long over whenRaya woke up again, an uncomfortably full feeling settling in her stomach. Sheshifted slightly, trying to get comfortable without waking Hazel who stirredanyway, smiling lazily at her girlfriend. "Lookwho fell asleep this time," she murmured, drawing her in even more. "Sorry." Raya mumbled,flinching slightly when Hazel pulled her closer

 Hazel's brow furrowed- Raya was arguably clingy, always wanting to be nearHazel. "Hey, you alright?"She asked gently, her hand brushing over Raya’s hair. Raya nodded, moving alittle so Hazel's arm would be putting less pressure on her middle. "Just feeling a little full. Maybe itwas a bit much cheese." Hazel nodded sympathetically. "It /was/ a lot... I think I've gotsome antacids, want me to get them for you?" she asked. "Please." Raya sighed. Shehoped that those would alleviate the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach. Hazelgot up, immediately concerned- Raya wasn't usually one to accept medication,and she was slightly worried. She returned a few moments later with a coldglass of water and a few tablets for Raya. "Thankyou." Raya gave her a light smile, gratefully taking the pills andquickly washing them down. "'m sorryfor waking you." Hazel shook her head. "I was just dozing, you're totally fine- you alright?" sheasked her again, still wary and concerned. "I'mokay, just ate a little too much I guess." Raya said stifling a quietburp into her fist. "Sorry, it'sjust not sitting so well." she apologized.

 "Sweetheartit's alright- come here, just relax for a little," she said, sitting down next to Raya and opening her arms. "Is there anything else I could getyou?" Leaning into Hazel Raya shook her head. "Just gonna let the Antacids do their thing I guess." shesaid, resting a hand across her stomach as it started to churn. Hazel made asympathetic sound, resting her hand on top of Raya's. "Okay... tell me if you need anything though," she said. Rayanodded, nuzzling closer to Hazel with a sigh, the unsettled feeling in her stomachnot letting up.

 Hazel pressed a kiss to Raya’s temple, starting to play with her hair. Rayagroaned lightly when another bubble of air made its way up. Hazel sighed. "That bad?" she askedslightly. "My stomach just feelsupset and kinda bloated" Raya said, suppressing another burp. "Hope the Antacids will kick insoon." Hazel nodded. "Doyou- I mean, would it help if I rubbed your stomach?" Raya thought fora brief moment before answering. "Ithink it's worth a try." she agreed, eager for the ill feeling insideher to settle at least a bit. Hazel nodded once more, lightly slipping a handunder Raya’s shirt. "Tell me if thurts," she said, her voice soft. Raya swallowed, trying to fightagainst the air eased up by Hazel's hands. "Definitelynot having anything so cheesy again anytime soon." she mumbled with ahiccup. Hazel sighed. "You poorthing, it really must not be sitting well... have you had that pasta before?"Raya nodded, cringing as an ill sounding groan emitted from her stomach. "It never gave me problemsthough."

 "Huh,that's weird... what else did you eat today?" Hazelasked, unconsciously going into diagnosis mode. "Had a banana on the way to work and a cookie to go with mycoffee." Raya answered, shifting again but no matter how she moved herstomach would keep bothering her. "Ohand a salad during lunch break," "You should have a betterbreakfast," Hazel commented lightly. "Still, I don't think any of those would've made you sick... foodborne illnesses associated with those foods usually take longer ‘til you getsymptoms... maybe it /was/ the pasta," she mused, her hands neverstilling. "Is it just your stomachbothering you?" she asked. "Yeahbut that's already plenty uncomfortable. Can we please not talk about foodright now?" Raya groaned, nausea creeping up on her. She could feelthe churning in her stomach growing stronger. "Yeah, of course sweetie," Hazel said quickly. "Does it just hurt or do you feelsick?" "Hurts. And Im starting to feel kinda sick" Rayasaid, pressing herself closer against Hazel. "It's like all churny and bubbly in there." "Ohbaby," Hazel sighed, wrapping an arm around her. "Do you need to go to the bathroom, or a trash can oranything?" Raya shook her head a little too eagerly. "N..no, I think it'll pass."she said, tensing against the pain. "Okay,"Hazel said, not believing her for a second. "Still,tell me if that changes, okay?" Raya stifled another burp followed bya pained groan. "Probably justindigestion, I'll be fine." she tried to assure her. "I'm sorry you feel so grossthough." Hazel muttered, kissing Raya's hair lightly. "I'm sorry you have to see me likethis." Raya grumbled, slightly curling in on herself when the dullaching started to turn into a crampy feeling. "Oh stop it- do you remember when we'd only been dating for likethree months and I had food poisoning?" She asked, trying to lighten Raya'smood. "I was an absolute mess, plusyou hardly even knew me then," she said, stroking her hair. "Guess this... kind of makes us eventhen." Raya quipped, hiccupping slightly. "If only my stomach would settle..." she whined quietly. Hazelbit her lip "Do you want somewater?" Raya shook her head, tensing against another gurgle comingfrom her stomach. Sweat starting to collect along her hairline she fidgeted,not wanting to get sick but knowing that it was quite possible to happen "How about we get you in the bathroom,huh?" Hazel asked. She'd seen enough patients to know that theinevitable wasn't far off. "But Idon't want to..." Raya began but was cut off by a sudden gag. "Oh... oh god..." she shot upscrambling for the bathroom.

 "Ohno," Hazel murmured, stopping to get a bottle of water from her fridge beforeknocking on the bathroom. "Am Iallowed to come in?" she asked. Raya didn't get to answer, she was toobusy heaving up her partially digested dinner, stomach acid stinging at herthroat. Hazel waited another moment before opening the door herself and droppingto her knees, scraping Raya’s hair off her back and tying it in a low ponytail.Raya took a shaky breath before retching some more, bringing up the last dregsof her stomach contents. Hazel had started rubbing her back at this point,murmuring softly into her ear. "You'reokay sweetie, I'm here for you," she said kindly, kissing her clammytemple. A few moments later Raya pulled back from the toilet and leaned intoHazel, her body still trembling. "Thatwas awful, sorry you had to see this." she mumbled, hiccups stillshaking her lightly. "Shh, don'tworry about it," Hazel shushed her, smoothing down her hair. "You should get some rest though,want me to help you to bed?" she offered, as her girlfriend was stillshaking fiercely. "I don't know.Still don't feel good." Raya said meekly and cuddled closer to Hazel. "Don't wanna move." Hazelsighed. "I feel like you'd be alittle more comfortable in a bed, but that's just me... come on, I'll get a binjust in case," she said kindly.

 Raya sighed, knowing that Hazel was right. The tiles were cold and she waseager to get somewhere warm and less hard. She got up, swaying slightly. "Okay, I've got you," Hazelsaid, wrapping an arm around Raya's waist. "Thereyou go," she said, once she had helped Raya sit on the edge of thebed. She went to get a small garbage can should it be needed, and placed itbeside Raya. "Water?" sheoffered, holding out the bottle to her. "Thankyou." Raya murmured and took the offered water but handed it back toHazel after just a few tentative sips, not wanting to risk upsetting herstomach even more. "I feelawful." she complained, laying back. "I know sweetie, I know" Hazel said. "You've probably got food poisoning- you should lie down, try toget some sleep," she said. "Couldhave only been the takeout. It did taste off but I didn't think it would bebad." Raya groaned."Ohhoney..." Hazel cooed, leaning down to kiss her girlfriend's forehead.Raya reached out for Hazel's hand, lacing their fingers together. "Stay?" she asked, grimacingwhen her stomach cramped up again. "Ofcourse," Hazel said, smiling softly. "Do you want anything else first?" she asked. "Something​ to make my stomach stophurting would be splendid." Raya said, only partially joking. Hazelsmiled sympathetically. "I wish-I've got a heating pad, do you want to try that?" She offered. "Maybe it'll help." Raya said,one hand resting on her stomach, moving in small circles. "There can't be anything left in my stomach but I still feel weirdand full and just gross." she complained.

  Hazel left to go get it. "I'msorry sweetheart- try to sleep if off? I wish I could help you more,"she said, wincing slightly. "You'rehere, you already help a lot." Raya assured her and curled up slightly,she was exhausted yet the pain in her stomach and the nausea didn't allow herto sleep. Hazel laid beside her, pulling Raya in to her. "Oh hush... just relax, eventually you'll fall asleep,"she said, lightly rubbing Raya’s arm. Raya nuzzled into Hazel's neck, her longsigh interrupted by a hiccup which made her draw her legs up slightly. "Feels like someone put a mixer into mystomach." she whined. "Shh...just breath sweetie," Hazel soothed, her voice gentle. "It hurts." Raya sighed, herface now completely hidden in Hazel's hair. "Iknow sweetie, I know... Do you want me to try rubbing it again?" Hazelasked. Raya nodded slightly "Please."she whined. Once feeling better she would probably be mortified about howclingy and needy she was. But right then and there she was hurting, nauseousand simply felt bloated and gross so she was desperate for anything that wouldhelp her feel better. "Alright, tellme if I need to stop though," Hazel said, snaking a hand under hergirlfriend’s shirt. "You're gonna beokay, I promise," she said softly. Raya nodded again, trying to relaxinto Hazel's touch, tensing with each hiccup. "'m sorry I'm so much work." she mumbled "Oh stop," Hazel said. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you," she saidlightly, not even realizing her words. She hadn't yet said that to Raya - she'dwanted to but never worked up the courage. "Ilove you too." Raya mumbled with a light smirk, even though Hazelcouldn't see. Hazel suddenly realized what she said- though she didn't stillher hands, her heart started to hammer wildly in her chest. "Thanks for taking care of me,"Raya mumbled, slowly melting into Hazel's touch, the gentle massage helping toease some of the pain. "Always,"she said, kissing Raya's hair.

 "Comeon, you should try to get some sleep," she saidsoftly. "Can you.. would you keeprubbing my stomach a little longer? It helps with the pain." Raya hummed,her eyes closing slowly. Hazel smiled. "Ofcourse," she assured. "Thankssweetie, you're the best." Raya gave a light smile and cuddled closerto Hazel, slowly starting to doze. She kissed her girlfriend's temple softly,hoping that she would sleep soon- and that when she woke up, she wouldn't be inso much pain. Raya fell asleep eventually, her breathing evened out. Yet evenasleep she'd still tense up slighly with each gurgling of her stomach. Hazeldozed off not much after, still holding Raya closely in her arms.

   Raya woke up a while later to a familiar ill feeling in her stomach.Blinking her eyes open she noticed Hazel's arms were still wrapped around her.Not wanting to wake her still sleeping girlfriend Raya didn't move, trying togo back to sleep despite the uncomfortable feeling in her middle. Hazel, alwaysa light sleeper, stirred soon enough. "Feelingany better?" she murmured softly. Not trusting herself to talk Rayashook her head, breathing deeply. Hazel frowned, a furrow appearing between herbrows. "Oh honey... what can Ido?" she asked. "Knock methe hell out so I won't feel any of this anymore?" Raya suggested witha whine, her voice barely carrying any sound. Hazel smirked; even feeling sosick, Raya still managed to uphold her typical personality. "I don't even /have/ my medical licenseyet, you can't ask me to risk losing it yet," she said lightly. "Not even to help out your sickgirlfriend?" Raya joked with a light pout. She made a pained noise,burying her face in Hazel's neck. "OhRy, it's okay, you're okay," Hazel said, drawing light patterns downRaya's back with one hand. "Breathe deep.""Hurts." Raya managed through gritted teeth, one handprotectively hovering over her stomach. "Iknow," she whispered, her other arm pulling Raya closely against her.

  Raya squirmed out of Hazel's grip,the pressure of being held so close only adding to the uncomfortable churningin her stomach. She meant to get up and move to the bathroom but a sudden heavehad her reach for the trash can Hazel has put next to the bed earlier. "Oh Ry," Hazel sighedsympathetically, reaching to rub her girlfriend's back. "It's okay, get it up," she encouraged. It was only mereseconds until Raya brought up a gush of bile and the last remains of herdinner. Basically curling around the bin she groaned, stomach acid burning herthroat. "Never gonna have Italianagain," she moaned before a queasy burp brought up another dribble ofsick. Hazel winced, rubbing her back."Take a deep breath," she reassured. Raya took a shaky breath butit was cut off by a gag which turned into a dry heave. It went on a couple moretimes until her stomach decided to stop trying to crawl up her throat "There you go," Hazelencouraged. "Do you want to rinseout your mouth?" she offered, reaching for one of the bottles ofwater. Raya nodded and gratefully took the water, trying to catch her breath. Aminute later she was leaning back into Hazel again. "I don't feel good." she whined quietly, as if it wasn'tobvious already "Lay down, let yourbody recover," Hazel said, standing up to wash out the bin. "I'll be back in two seconds."Raya simply did as she was told without protest, too exhausted to put up muchof a fight. Curling up on her side she closed her eyes, waiting for Hazel whosoon slid into bed beside her girlfriend. "Heysweetie," she said softly, looping an arm around her. "Hey." Raya hummed, pressingherself close to Hazel, seeking warmth and comfort. "I hope you don't mind, I grabbed your phone and texted your bossto tell her you weren't going in tomorrow," she said. "I'll be fine if I just sleep it offbut thanks baby."Raya murmured, resting her head on Hazel's shoulder. "I should be feeling better now thatit's all out of my system, right?" Hazel nodded. "It's also two forty-five in the morning; I figured you mightwant to sleep for more than four more hours," she remarked. "But hopefully you're on your way tofeeling okay again." "Ohgod. I am so sorry for keeping you up," Raya apologized. "How much longer until you have toleave?" "Assuming I go in, I've got a little less than twohours," Hazel said. "But ifyou need me here, I'm here." "Couldn't expect you to skip aday." Raya quipped with a light huff. "I would for you, you know that," she said gently. Rayasmiled, turning a little so she could look at Hazel. "I love you so much," she hummed, fighting to keep hereyes open "I love you too,"Hazel said back, smiling reflexively. "Goto sleep sweetheart, I'll be here when you wake up." Nestling intoHazel's side Raya soon fell asleep, her body obviously craving rest. Hazel fellasleep soon after, her arms still wrapped around Raya protectively.

   It was already daylight outside when Raya woke up again. She found herselfstill in Hazel's embrace and cuddled closer. "'m up, I swear," Hazel murmured, feeling Raya movecloser toward her. “Mornin'. Youstayed." Raya murmured, a smile playing across her lips. Hazel noddedlazily. "Mhmmm... told you Iwould," she responded. "Iwould have been fine on my own." Raya assured her. "But I love waking up next toyou," she said and leaned up slightly, placing a light kiss on Hazel'scheek. "Thanks for staying." "Isaid I would," Hazel repeated. "Yououghta believe me more," she teased. "I know. I never thought you wouldn't." Raya said. "I'm just sorry you're missing a day becauseof me." She shook her head. "Don'tworry about it... its only six, you should go back to sleep," shemused. "Maybe you're right,"Raya hummed with a light nod, resting her head on Hazel's shoulder. "'M always right," sheremarked, smiling lightly. "Yeah,yeah, whatever you say dear." Raya murmured lazily, relaxing intoHazel's side. "Are you feelingbetter?" She asked her. Raya nodded lightly. "Mhm. Stomach still kinda hurts but a lot less nauseous.""That's good," she mumbled."I think the worst is over bynow." "I hope so."Raya replied with a sigh. "Lastnight was awful, I'm sorry you had to witness all that." "No, youwere okay... very sick, but I love you so I'm good with dealing with it."Hazel told her. "Stupid Italianpasta" Raya grumbled in disgust. "You'regood at this taking care of someone sick thing." "Mmm, if only therewas a way I could make a living doing that," she teased.

[neechoudai]

#30 Days of Autism Acceptance Challenge!

Day 1:  Make yourself known.  Tell the world your name and age.  Talk about your diagnosis.  Are you self or professionally diagnosed?  Do you think self-diagnosis is valid?  When did you realize/find out you were autistic?  Post a photo of yourself if you’d like.

Hello!! I am Brio, and I am 21. I’m so excited to see this challenge and I hope I can participate as much as possible!!

Let’s see. I was professionally diagnosed in July of 2008. I was12, and  going into 7th grade at the time, if my calculations are correct. (I thought at first it was 6th grade, but maybe I was confused. One of the two, at least. Point is, middle school. Aka, the transition into Teenage Social Issues.

There were very few resources for me--I only had a social skill group therapy session each week (not specifically for autism). It wasn’t the most helpful, but I met some nice other girls who I remember kinda admiring (they were very nice and we had inside jokes, and they were very supportive when I went through struggles with a girl who was bullying me. I miss them, and I kind of wish I could find them one day). Back then, it was before the DSM V, so my official diagnosis was Asperger’s Syndrome.

I don’t remember the time I was evaluated, mostly. I can see a picture of the room in my head and a vague presence of the doctor and where he was sitting and all, but I don’t remember what we were talking about. I just talked with him. I actually even recall pulling in with the car. I don’t think I knew what was going on very much--just that mom was having me go to a psychologist for what I think was told was a general check-up? I don’t recall my reactions, honestly.

I later learned that she suspected I was on the spectrum after knowing several people who were also diagnosed, but did not pursue diagnosing me until I had difficulty with my 6th grade social studies teacher who was very mean. So, I guess, thanks, teacher who wouldn’t let me stim/doodle and yelled at me for being slow when packing up for the day at my locker.

I was not told about my diagnosis at first. My mom seemingly did not want to worry me? However, one day I looked at a paper that was on top of our printer/copier and saw a letter from the psychologist that was saying he has diagnosed me with a “mild” form of “Asperger’s.” (Mild, haha! Maybe that’s why I can’t eat spicy food!! lol)

Since I’m telling the full story, kinda, here, I’ll admit--I was really confused and scared and denied it. I didn’t tell my mom I saw the paper. I thought that it was a mistake and she didn’t tell me because she thought the doctor was wrong. I knew people who were also on the spectrum, and I did not think I was “like them.” (Gross thinking, yes. I feel bad about it, but also I was just a preteen who was already struggling socially, so... I feel like that’s some excuse, maybe.) I remember vividly worrying about it during gym (my least favorite class. I’ve always been terrible at physical activity, and felt even more awkward) and having a little crisis.

I forget when mom officially told me, but she got me several books about it and blah blah blah. I tried to deny it for many, many years. It wasn’t until I was in college and came across the tumblr autism community that I became accepting of my autistic identity. Ever since, I have embraced my autism and it’s become a source of pride and joy for me. I’m much healthier mentally and emotionally now that I think about my autism every day than when I had when I was a scared, lost, and confused teenager, who rarely remembered her diagnosis and shuddered when she did.

I’m not proud of how I acted in regards to identity, but I hope to use my experiences to help other teens like my younger self, that way they get resources and have someone who’s been there to tell them it’s okay to be who they are, it’s not a scary thing, and that they are wonderful people and will go on to have amazing lives. After all, if I went through it, they can, too! I hope to be a support for youth, since I had little.

But that’s probably dipping into future days. So I’ll stop now ^.^;

Oh yeah, and self-diagnosis is totally valid. Not everyone has resources--as little as I was supported back then, I must admit that I was lucky, being a teenage girl, to even be diagnosed. It can only help someone find community and support if they feel the characteristics strike a chord with them. And after all, you know your mind more than a psychologist does, right?

[erraticfairy]

Podcast: Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, and Valentine’s Day



Valentine’s Day comes but once a year and is experienced in different ways depending on your age, gender, or whether or not you are in a relationship. Not surprisingly, mental health status plays a role in the way this holiday is experienced, as well.

Listen in as our hosts play the ever-popular Two Truths and a Lie to describe all they went through being depressed while dating.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“You don’t tell a girl, ‘Don’t take that pill.’” – Michelle Hammer

  Highlights From ‘Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Depression, and Valentine’s Day’ Episode

[1:25] We are playing Two Truths and a Lie – Valentine’s Day edition

[2:40] Michelle’s 1st story, “Alabama Stigma”

[6:10] Gabe’s 1st story, “High-school Dating Suicide”

[10:00] Michelle’s 2nd story, “The true story that Michelle told already”

[11:44] Gabe’s 2nd story, “Married Chick”

[17:00] Michelle’s 3rd story, “Break up Because Michelle Bad Mom”

[18:50] Gabe’s 3rd story, “Stupid Mother”

[23:00] The guessing begins!

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, and Valentine’s Day’ Show

[00:00:07]For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Here your hosts Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:18] Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! And welcome to this special loving and caring Valentine’s Day edition of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and I have bipolar disorder.

Michelle: [00:00:31] Hi, I’m Michelle Hammer and I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:34] And today Michelle and I are finally going to admit to the world that we are in love-

Michelle: [00:00:39] We are in love-

Gabe: [00:00:40] and that-

Michelle: [00:00:44] with each other.

Gabe: [00:00:44] we share a Valentine’s Bond. Like, how do you picture our wedding going Michelle?

Michelle: [00:00:51] Ummm, really, really, really well.

Gabe: [00:00:53] I think it’s gonna go poorly. I mean first off we have the whole Jewish not Jewish thing. We have the schizophrenia bipolar thing. We have the fact that we’re not actually dating. I mean I think that’s going to really hurt some things.

Michelle: [00:01:05] I know, and you’re married and everything.

Gabe: [00:01:07] Oh, I forgot about being married.

Michelle: [00:01:08] Am I a sister wife?

Gabe: [00:01:09] You know, I haven’t really considered that possibility but I do think that this is a great segue into letting people know that we are bringing back, for the first time in 2019, and the first time in a few months –

Michelle: [00:01:22] Two truths and a lie

Gabe: [00:01:25] Two truths and a lie.

Michelle: [00:01:28] Two truths and a lie.

Gabe: [00:01:28] So, for those of you who are a little dense, Michelle and I are still frenemies. We are not in love. There’s going to be no nuptials. Don’t get angry that you’re not invited to the wedding because my spouse and your girlfriend would be furious.

Michelle: [00:01:44] Furious.

Gabe: [00:01:44] Furious.

Gabe: [00:01:46] For those of you who are new listeners, we used to play two truths and a lie all the time and then we just kind of stopped for a while because we just kind of ran out of stuff to talk about. But we got some emails from folks that wanted us to bring it back, and we thought well let’s bring it back for a special Valentine’s Day edition and use relationships as our marker. So Michelle and I will each tell three stories. Two of them will be true.

Michelle: [00:02:07] One of them will be a lie.

Gabe: [00:02:09] And they are going to be about dating, relationships, coupling, and there’ll be some sort of mental illness tie in. So I’m not going to tell you the story about the woman that I asked out and she said no because you know

Michelle: [00:02:26] That happened a lot, Gabe

Gabe: [00:02:26] Yeah

Michelle: [00:02:26] That happened a lot. You could tell that story about 500 times, can’t you?

Gabe: [00:02:26] That is very fair. But there is no mental illness tie in. So that is the goal. Okay, Michelle?

Gabe: [00:02:36] Yes.

Gabe: [00:02:37] I am going to use this term very loosely.

Michelle: [00:02:39] Yes.

Gabe: [00:02:39] Ladies first.

Michelle: [00:02:39] Ladies first? Okay, my first story. When I first moved to Astoria, I was on that kick of I’m going to find myself a nice New York Jewish boy. And I met a nice Jewish boy named Johnny, who worked as a nurse, you see. So he knows medical type stuff. Well, it came out that you know I take some medication for anxiety and stuff and he saw me take a pill at night. Well, this was before I was actually diagnosed as schizophrenic officially. And I was taking a pill at night to relax myself and he would say, “Don’t take that pill. You don’t need that pill. Don’t take it.” He was from Alabama and this is New York. So, he had like just not New York type things. I don’t know what I’m trying to say there, but he was from Alabama. Whatever.

Gabe: [00:03:30] Are you insulting Alabama?

Michelle: [00:03:31] I am insulting Alabama.

Gabe: [00:03:32] It really sounds like you’re trying to like really hard not to insult Alabama.

Michelle: [00:03:36] No, when you come from Alabama and then you come to New York you know there’s a different way of acting.

Gabe: [00:03:41] There’s like a culture shift there.

Michelle: [00:03:42] Yes, a culture shift.

Gabe: [00:03:43] One is one the south and one is New York City.

Michelle: [00:03:45] Yeah, but I just think maybe it was just an Alabama thing or that thing or you’re a nurse. But, you don’t tell a girl, “Hey, don’t take that pill before you go to sleep.” When the girl’s doctor said, “Here’s your pill before you go to sleep.” You know? You want to take that pill unless you wake up nuts.

Gabe: [00:04:02] Did you say so you don’t wake up nuts?

Michelle: [00:04:04] Kind of. Well I didn’t say that. And then one time he said to me that he could never date a girl that had ever tried to kill herself. And I was like, no.

Gabe: [00:04:14] And he didn’t know.

Michelle: [00:04:15] He didn’t know at this point.

Gabe: [00:04:16] He didn’t know that you had ever been suicidal.

Michelle: [00:04:17] No, no.

Gabe: [00:04:18] So you’re starting to get a lot of red flags here.

Michelle: [00:04:19] I’m getting a lot of red flags here.

Gabe: [00:04:21] But he still doesn’t know, you never told him. You just let these go unchecked. He said it, then you put it in your memory bank and then you moved forward.

Michelle: [00:04:28] Yeah, but I was still between diagnosis. I didn’t have a schizophrenia diagnosis yet. Although I knew something was up, and I was seeing a psychiatrist, and taking medication for something, but nothing specific.

Gabe: [00:04:39] But you had been suicidal.

Michelle: [00:04:41] Right. But I didn’t tell him.

Gabe: [00:04:42] Because?

Michelle: [00:04:42] What was I going to say? Like, “Oh, I guess we’re breaking up. Because of oops!”.

Gabe: [00:04:50] ‘Cause of “oops?”

Michelle: [00:04:51] ‘Cause of oops.

Gabe: [00:04:51] All right

Michelle: [00:04:51] And my whole story here, is that we did break up. And I’m so glad we did. Because, obviously, that was not going to work out. Oh, I’ll tell you how we broke up. So he’s trying to break up with me, and I was a little upset about it. I kind of wanted to stay with him. And then he says, “I heard that clingy girls it means they were molested as a child. Were you molested as a child?” And I go, “Excuse me? OK, I think it’s time that you just leave. Now.”

Gabe: [00:05:18] So he had a lot of misconceptions about trauma, about mental illness, and about mental health in general.

Michelle: [00:05:24] And he was a nurse.

Gabe: [00:05:26] Wow. And look, I know this might not be the intent of your story, but if this story is true, this nurse is out there practicing with other people. I have no idea if this story is true or not, but I hope to God this one is the lie.

Michelle: [00:05:40] He was a nurse.

Gabe: [00:05:41] He was a nurse?

Michelle: [00:05:42] He was a nurse.

Gabe: [00:05:42] Who’s from Alabama?

Michelle: [00:05:44] He’s from Alabama. He was a nurse. He told me not to take my pills because I don’t need them, and he can never date a girl that has tried to kill herself, and all clingy girls must have been molested in the past.

Gabe: [00:05:54] So he was a jackass?

Michelle: [00:05:56] I wouldn’t say jackass. More like dumb ass. Dumb ass.

Gabe: [00:05:59] Dumb ass, okay. All right so we’re gonna call that story “Alabama Stigma.”

Michelle: [00:06:03] Yes, “Alabama Stigma.”

Gabe: [00:06:05] So, Michelle’s first story is Alabama Stigma. We’re going to start my first story, now. . .

Michelle: [00:06:10] Let’s hear it, Gabe.

Gabe: [00:06:11] When I was in high school, all the way back in high school, I wasn’t diagnosed with anything, I didn’t understand mental illness at all. I believed, as I’ve said a million times on the show, the pop culture definition of mental illness. So I thought I was an asshole. Because I knew that I wasn’t doing what my parents asked me to do. But I didn’t think that there was any sort of illness or disorder or anything that would involve medical intervention. So, eventually I started dying and a lot of people don’t know that I met my first wife in high school. But long before we were dating, I asked other women out. And as you did joke, I was fat in high school, I had really bad acne. I just was not popular with the ladies. And as much as I would like to blame that on bipolar disorder, yeah, I don’t think that was it.

Michelle: [00:07:06] Well. . .

Gabe: [00:07:07] It wasn’t.

Michelle: [00:07:08] Was it like the five hundred and fifty pounds?

Gabe: [00:07:10] I think being a pimply faced fat ass with no personality and untreated mental illness is probably just not what high school girls are looking for.

Michelle: [00:07:19] I would have to agree with that, Gabe.

Gabe: [00:07:21] Yeah, but I didn’t understand this. I thought that the reason that people didn’t date me is because I didn’t – you’re in high school. So I didn’t understand that whole, you know, high school isn’t how the real world works. I was at a small high school, too. There’s only 36 people in my graduating class.

Michelle: [00:07:36] Are you kidding? There was eight hundred in mine.

Gabe: [00:07:37] Exactly. Exactly. So I was in a small town and just really, firmly, one hundred percent believed that the reason that nobody wanted to date me is because I was a garbage person. I was worthless. I was bad. And I thought about suicide every day for as far back as I can remember, and that was true in high school as well. And when I tried to date, when I put myself out there, when I asked girls out, they said no. This all fed into this belief that nobody would love me. So, I don’t have, like, a story about one specific girl or person. I really just have this idea. I asked so many people out, I tried to go on dates, I just put myself out there. And I was constantly rejected. It all fed into that paranoia and that delusion that I am unlovable, worthless, and deserving of death. I didn’t know.

Gabe: [00:08:33] I just didn’t know that some people just don’t do well in high school. There are plenty of people that do perfectly fine when they hit their 20s or they hit college, that just don’t do well in a small town in Pennsylvania with 36 people who like to hunt deer.

Michelle: [00:08:48] Yeah, I don’t. I didn’t date very well in high school either.

Gabe: [00:08:51] Yeah.

Michelle: [00:08:51] I have to say. The beginning of high school –

Gabe: [00:08:54] But I really, really genuinely, honestly felt that it wasn’t just because I hadn’t come into my own, because I hadn’t grown up. I hadn’t developed a personality. I honestly thought that all of these people were evaluating me reasonably. Determining that I was defective, worthless, and garbage. Rejecting me. This fed into my abandonment issues, and, voila, I thought that I was garbage. And this was one of the many pieces that I put together to decide that death would be a reasonable choice in the future.

Michelle: [00:09:26] Gotcha.

Gabe: [00:09:27] So my story number one is gonna be called a “High School Dating Suicide”.

Michelle: [00:09:34] I think a lot of people can relate to that story.

Gabe: [00:09:37] I think so. I think so, too.

Michelle: [00:09:38] Yeah..

Gabe: [00:09:39] But I think that if people are well-adjusted, and I don’t know what that’s like, but I think if people are well-adjusted, they just kind of grow out of it. Or they learn, or they meet that special person. I always have a saying that says everybody is unlucky in love until they aren’t. Because when you’re single, you’re trying, and you’re not meeting the right person. And, you know, what’s that phrase? You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

Michelle: [00:10:03] Yeah. Yeah

Gabe: [00:10:03] Nobody really taught me any of that stuff. They were just like, “You have a girlfriend? No? Maybe you should lose some weight, fat ass.” And that’s not too far off from the truth. Okay, Michelle, we need to pick this up. Story number two.

Michelle: [00:10:15] Ok. I and this is more of an uplifting story. Oh, an uplifting story. I was dating somebody. I mean and dating somebody for not the longest time at the moment, but we were very open with each other. So I go and I’m shy. I’m showing him my WebMD video and I’m going to show this person I’m schizophrenic. I’m just show them this  and I’m like, “Oh, God! They’re gonna think I’m crazy.” What’s going to go on now that everyone can see me again? So we watch the WebMD video. The reaction is, “Oh, that was good. Why did you just show me that?” That’s really the story. Person didn’t care at all. Oh, you’re schizophrenic? OK.

Gabe: [00:10:53] That’s it they just?

Michelle: [00:10:54] OK. It was fine.

Gabe: [00:10:55] And they had been dating you for a while?

Michelle: [00:10:56] Yeah. It was just, maybe, like third date, and here’s a video. Oh you’re schizophrenic? OK. Cool video. I like it.

Gabe: [00:11:03] This is a great story, and we are absolutely going to leave this in the podcast. But we’ve played two truths and a lie before, and you told this exact same story. So I know this one is true.

Michelle: [00:11:11] Damn it!

Gabe: [00:11:13] We are gonna absolutely leave it in, because we accept that most of our viewers have not listened to all-50 some episodes of the Psych Central Show Podcast. However. . .

Michelle: [00:11:25] I’ll tell a different story.

Gabe: [00:11:26] Michelle’s memory is not what it used to be.

Michelle: [00:11:29] I will tell a different story!

Gabe: [00:11:30] No, you can’t tell a different story.  That is your story and I know that it’s true. So we are going to call that one “The True Story That Michelle Told Already.”

Michelle: [00:11:37] God damn it!

Gabe: [00:11:39] Story number two. So between my second wife and my third wife, to give everybody some perspective, I wanted to date. And being hypersexual, being mentally ill, being kind of, you know, not the best person, making the wrong choices. I dated a lot, both before I was married, after I was married, and while I was married. So I really, really made a lot of bad, bad decisions when it came to how I behaved in past relationships. That’s how you end up twice divorced. I have some responsibility in that. Some of it was untreated mental illness. Some of it was poor decisions that I made. And it all kind of wrapped together. And after my second marriage dissolved, I am a guy who wants to be married. I’m happy being married, but I want a good marriage. And I really looked hard at my previous two marriages, and I thought, “What mistakes am I making?” And one of the mistakes that I was making, is that I was always dating these unavailable women. Maybe women who were already in relationships, maybe women that weren’t making the best choices themselves. I made a lot of relationship decisions based on how quickly people would have sex with me. So I wanted to do it better. So I created a profile on an online dating site, and I really put a lot of thought and effort and energy into it. And I said that I was looking for a long term relationship, and I wanted to be with somebody that was also looking for a long term relationship. Somebody age appropriate, somebody that was stable, somebody that, like me, had like a job etc. And one of the first dates that I went on was with this very nice woman and I met her it at, like, I don’t know, eleven o’clock that day.

Gabe: [00:13:18] And we stayed together all the way until two o’clock that night. That’s how long the date was 11:00 a.m. to 2 p.m. First, we went to a movie. Then we went to dinner. Then we went for coffee, and then we went to a bar. And finally, at two o’clock we had to go. Because, you know.

Michelle: [00:13:34] 2 p.m. or 2 a.m.?

Gabe: [00:13:36] 2 a.m.

Michelle: [00:13:36] Yeah, you said 2 p.m.

Gabe: [00:13:37] Oh! thank you for correcting me. 2:00 a.m. I apologize. I was together from 11 a.m. to 2 a.m. That’s, that’s a long time.

Michelle: [00:13:44] That’s like a lot of time.

Gabe: [00:13:46] Yeah, yeah. This was a magnificent first date.

Michelle: [00:13:52] I hope you hit that at the end of the night.

Gabe: [00:13:52] I did not.

Michelle: [00:13:52] What?

Gabe: [00:13:52] At the end of the night it was 2:00 a.m. and I took her to her car. I walked her to her car. Again, I’m a gentleman. Remember the post-it notes? I’m a gentleman, and I said, “I really had a good time with you. I would like to see you again.” And she said, “That would be wonderful. But I usually can’t get together on the weekends because my husband’s home.” And I laughed. I was like, “That’s funny” And she goes, “No. For real. My husband is usually gone during the week and home on the weekends. He works in another state as a car dealer.” “Are you serious?” And she’s like, “Yeah.”

Gabe: [00:14:27] It was the first time in my life that I was ever speechless. I was. I was incredibly speechless. I didn’t know what to say. I was angry. I walked away. I was just, for the first time in my life, I wanted to be a grown up and an adult and have a relationship with a real, available, moral person. And get rid of, like, all of the mistakes that I had made in my past. And even though I had done everything right, I still somehow found another immoral, defective, lying person. Now I am proud of myself, because the old Gabe would have been like, “Sweet. You’re saying during the week? I got nothing to do during the week.” But I didn’t. I left. I didn’t. I just mumbled stuff. For real, Michelle, you’d have been so impressed with the amount of speechless that I was.

Michelle: [00:15:14] So this has to do with bipolar because you are trying to be respectful?

Gabe: [00:15:18] Yeah, I was trying to get in a real relationship, and somehow I still managed to find that I was just drawn to these people. Apparently, even though I tried to do the right thing, I still ended up in the wrong place. I don’t know that that’s bipolar disorder, but it’s mental health. I was trying to fix all the mistakes of my past, and find a good, available, healthy relationship. And even though I tried to do the right thing, I still ended up standing in front of an unhealthy relationship. And I am proud of myself that I made the right decision as soon as I was aware. But I did have to wonder, why am I so defective that even when I try to be in a healthy relationship, I still end up attracting these types of people? Like, what is it about me? Do I have, you know, “Date me because I’m fucked up” written on my forehand?

Michelle: [00:16:07] You do.

Gabe: [00:16:08] Even though I’m saying the right things, people are like, “Well, he’s saying he’s looking for a long term relationship.”

Michelle: [00:16:12] I get you, Gabe. I get you.

Gabe: [00:16:12] “But clearly he is messed up.”

Michelle: [00:16:15] What are we naming this one?

Gabe: [00:16:17] I think that we should name my story two “Married Chick.”

Michelle: [00:16:24] Married Chick?

Gabe: [00:16:26] Married Chick.

Michelle: [00:16:26] We’ll be right back to two truths and a lie after these messages.

Narrator: [00:16:29] This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counselling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist, whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Michelle: [00:17:00] We are back.

Gabe: [00:17:01] Story number three, Michelle

Michelle: [00:17:03] My next story. Here we go. We’re going to call him Willie.

Gabe: [00:17:07] Willie?

Michelle: [00:17:09] I like the name Willie. I was dating Willie for. . . ? I actually don’t. I’ve brought up Willie before. The guy that I was dating for, like, two years, and he didn’t know that I was schizophrenic. And then I started my company. And he goes, “What? you’re not schizophrenic.” And I’m like “Yes, I am.” “No, you’re not.” “Yes, I am.” “No, you’re not.” Well, the thing was with Willie once he discovered that I had schizophrenia, and we were dating for a while, and everything and he was kind of deciding that he wanted to move. And all that stuff he kind of told me, like he did want to be with me, but he wanted to move. And part of the reason he wanted to move was that his relationship with me could never really work out, because I had schizophrenia, and he didn’t want to have kids with me. Because he didn’t want our kids to have mental illness in their genes. So him moving wasn’t just for him having a new life, but for us breaking up as well. Because he could never see a future with us.

Gabe: [00:18:08] Wow. Yeah. So he broke up with you because you were schizophrenic, and he didn’t want to have a little schizophrenic children.

Michelle: [00:18:14] Well, pretty much. But he was moving, but then he also was saying that to me.  He was like, “Yeah we’re not going to do long distance or anything, because we need to move on. Because it would never work out anyway. We couldn’t have a future really.”

Gabe: [00:18:28] Wow. Wow.

Michelle: [00:18:30] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:18:31] So we are going to call story numbers 3 “Breakup Because Michelle Bad Mom.” Ready for Number 3?

Michelle: [00:18:49] I’m ready for number three, Gabe.

Gabe: [00:18:50] My number three falls in the exact same pattern as yours, which is just coincidental. I want everybody to know right now that Michelle and I do not sit down and discuss these ahead of time. Or obviously I would have told Michelle that she told me that story before. We are playing this game for real. So, when Michelle gets it wrong, it’s because she’s stupid. And when I get it right, it’s because I am super, super smart. My next story is also about somebody that thought that I was bad with children.. So I’ve had, as longtime listeners of the show and people who have read my stuff know, I’ve had, like, four significant relationships in my life. I’ve had many relationships that lasted, you know, a couple of weeks or a month or two. But there’ve been four significant relationships in my life. You know, three wives and and a woman that I lived with for a while. The one that I lived with, I don’t really talk about her all that much. Because in some ways she’s one of the more painful ones. Because she had a child, and we knew each other, and we had known each other for several years. And that means I saw her child go from, like, age one to, like, age 5. And that’s a lot of bonding to do with a kid. And I really loved this child. The kid meant a lot to me, and it never occurred to me that if the relationship ended between you know me and his mom, that would mean that relationship between me and kid would end. Like, I don’t know why I never connected those dots. But I just never connected those dots. I just really thought that I would just know this kid forever. I really took on the role of stepdad really seriously. And I was a co parent. And I loved him a lot. And one day, as the relationship was evolving with me and mom, we were talking about, like, getting married and buying a house and all of that kind of stuff that you do. And her mother, the child’s grandmother, decided that I would be a bad influence on the child. That I would hurt him because of my bipolar disorder. And you can’t let mental patients live with your children. And that’s irresponsible. And convinced the woman that I was dating to leave me. To break up with me. And she told me that as a mother it is irresponsible of me to have you around my child. You will eventually hurt him and I can’t risk it.

Michelle: [00:21:13] That is a fucked up shit.

Gabe: [00:21:15] And I kept explaining that I’m not. That’s not true. And she said, “I have to listen to my mother. My mother has known me my whole life. She’s a good grandmother and she has seen things that I can’t see because I’m emotionally invested and she is extremely worried that you will hurt my child. And as a mother that’s not a risk I can take. As much as I want to be with you. We have to break up.”

Michelle: [00:21:48] How did that make you feel, Gabe?

Gabe: [00:21:50] Like garbage. To this day it is one of the most traumatizing things that’s ever happened to me. It was worse than being diagnosed with bipolar. Like, because I had a kid that I loved just ripped away from me. And you know, I have no rights. I don’t. I don’t have any legal rights. I can’t have visitation. I can’t. She moved away. I haven’t seen the kid since. It was just over. Just like that. I saw him every day for four years, and then nothing. And I was told it was because of an illness that I didn’t want, and that I didn’t deserve, and that was in fine control. I don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand any of it. I still, to this day, don’t understand. I think I was a damn good stepfather. I don’t think I’m a bad person. And to have somebody say, “Hey look, I can see the future. And because of your illness you will someday hurt a child. So I have to run from you.” It’s a lot. So I’m gonna call that. . .

Michelle: [00:22:57] “Stupid Mother.”

Gabe: [00:22:58] Yes, Stupid Mother. OK. So to recap: everyone, in this round of two truths and a lie – Valentine’s Day edition, the first round was Alabama Stigma and High School Dating Suicide. And story number two is the true story that Michelle already told in a different episode vs. Gabe dating a Married Chick. And story number three, breakup because Michelle will someday be a bad mother vs. a stupid mother who dumped Gabe. All right, Michelle, do you have any questions? Because I am ready to tell you which one is the lie right now.

Michelle: [00:23:37] OK. Tell me.

Gabe: [00:23:39] All right. Are you ready? I know your lie. OK.

Michelle: [00:23:41] Which is my lie?

Gabe: [00:23:42] Nobody broke up with you because you’d be a bad mom.

Michelle: [00:23:44] That’s true. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:23:45] All right. Do you want to go?

Michelle: [00:23:48] Do I want to guess?

Gabe: [00:23:48] Do you want to do anything. You get questions. You’re allowed to ask questions.

Michelle: [00:23:53] The married woman you went on the date with, did they have any kids?

Gabe: [00:23:57] I don’t believe so. No.

Michelle: [00:23:58] What kind of car did she drive?

Gabe: [00:23:59] I honestly don’t know. It was a nice car. It was a two door. It was like sporty, but it was black. That’s all I really remember, and it was also 2:00 a.m., and it was dark. I don’t remember the brand.

Michelle: [00:24:08] Is it? The middle one is the lie?

Gabe: [00:24:11] Is the dating the married chick the lie?

Michelle: [00:24:13] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:24:13] No. 100 percent true story. Completely happened and it happened exactly that way. I really was speechless. To this day people marvel that I didn’t have a comeback.

Michelle: [00:24:24] Well, I don’t see how the first one can be a lie.

Gabe: [00:24:27] Why not?

Michelle: [00:24:28] Because it doesn’t. I feel like everybody in high school thinks that no one wants to date them unless they’re, like, a super popular person. Like, I feel like I felt that same way in high school, too. It just seems too reasonable. Is that a lie? Is that? How could that be a lie?

Gabe: [00:24:44] I told you in the story that I married my high school sweetheart. So how could I also have a story about how nobody would date me in high school? I was also a prom king. And, well, I did leave that out. I was prom king. I actually did all right in high school.

Michelle: [00:25:01] Well, see I wouldn’t guess that. Because you said you were five hundred and fifty pounds, zit faced, and ugly.

Gabe: [00:25:07] Yes. But not in high school.

Michelle: [00:25:09] Not in high school?

Gabe: [00:25:10] I got fat after high school.

Michelle: [00:25:10] OK, so the history that I know about you is not the high school history?

Gabe: [00:25:16] Yeah.

Michelle: [00:25:18] I see. OK, then I said it because I would imagine all of that could potentially really happen in high school. I didn’t realize that the big, fat, pimply-faced Gabe was after high school.

Gabe: [00:25:28] Big, fat, pimply-faced Gabe was after high school. I did have problems in high school feeling alone and lonely. I mean, I did have symptoms of bipolar disorder. But the fact is I had friends. I really did have friends. I dated not a lot. I’m not saying that I was super popular, but I did date.

Michelle: [00:25:46] You were more popular than me.

Gabe: [00:25:47] Well, then the advantage of going to a high school with only 36 people is we really were close knit. I’m not saying that we all dated each other, or anything like that. But I had friends. We made sure that people weren’t left alone. I wasn’t invisible. Now, if I would have talked about, like, my freshman year, that was much more difficult. I was still in Ohio, where I went to a school that had 600 people in their graduating class. But when I moved to Pennsylvania with my grandparents, life changed for me a lot. I went to this little private school. I had a lot of people watching over me. I had a lot of friends. I dated a reasonable amount. I met the woman that I married in high school, my high school sweetheart. I really was prom king. That is a true story. And I did all right. I made it. By the time I graduated, I actually felt pretty good. Until, you know, I got brought back down again. But this does make the true story the one where somebody ripped off their kid away from me because of an illness.

Michelle: [00:26:39] Well, that mother’s a bitch. I mean, I’m just saying. You did much better in high school life than I had. I am, and I was, a big fat pimply-faced whatever.

Gabe: [00:26:48] Yeah, but I mean your personality was still bad.

Michelle: [00:26:51] My personality was amazing. I was just paranoid all the time and thought everybody hated me. So, yeah. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:26:58] Because everybody wants to be friends with somebody that thinks that everybody hates them? Come on, man! Own your own flaws.

Michelle: [00:27:05] I own my flaws. I was very paranoid. I didn’t have a lot of friends because I thought everyone hated me. So I was very quiet, and kept to myself, and only talked to a few people. And when I did talk to other people, when I was done talking to them, I thought, “Why were they talking to me? Oh my God are they talking about me behind my back right now? Because they don’t know. What? They are probably wondering, ‘why did they just talk to me?’ Why was I talking to them?” You know I was what you described basically. And that was my high school.

Gabe: [00:27:31] I see what you’re saying.

Michelle: [00:27:32] Yeah, that’s why I thought that one was true, because that’s very high school for somebody with a mental illness.

Gabe: [00:27:38] I see what you’re saying. You are right. And in fairness, you know it’s a little bit of a cheat. I will give you. I will give you a partial credit. I know your generation likes that a lot. Yes, I will give you partial credit, because, you know, my 9th, 10th, and 1st 11th grade year in a bigger school was much, much more difficult. Remember, I dropped out of high school in 11th grade, and then I went back to a private school in Pennsylvania when I moved to my grandparents and repeated my 11th grade year. But, then my 11th and 12th grade year were actually very good. And so I sort of have two high school experiences. I have the big city high school experience that was really, really bad. And then I have this small town high school experience that was really, really good. So you know, I will give you partial credit. I won and you lost, but with an asterisk.

Michelle: [00:28:28] But I accidentally told the same story again.

Gabe: [00:28:30] That is true. You did.

Michelle: [00:28:32] Well, it’s not my fault. You know my medicine gives me a bad memory.

Gabe: [00:28:35] No, there’s no medicine excuse. Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody. Thank you for listening to this edition of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. We love trotting out two truths and a lie whenever we can. So thank you for the folks who e-mailed in that suggestion. Please head over to store.psychcentral.com and buy our swag. It helps keep the lights on. And the “Define Normal” shirts are just frankly not going to sell themselves. There might even be a discount for Valentine’s Day. Except there’s not. Thank you, everybody. Please like us everywhere, send us to your friends, and we will see you next week.

Michelle: [00:29:15] Valentine’s Day!

Narrator: [00:29:17] You’ve been listening to A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. If you love this episode, don’t keep it to yourself. Head on over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app. Subscribe, rate, and review. To work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle, go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups, head over to PsychCentral.com. The show’s official Web site is PsychCentral.com/BSP. You can e-mail us at show@PsychCentral.com. Thank you for listening, and share widely.

  Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

  MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology http://bit.ly/2WXNMLd via theshiningmind.com